Seven long months ago, near the dewy dawn of 2016, a newly-built mansion in a very prime neighborhood of Santa Monica sold for $7,150,000.
Now, a $7 million spec-mansion in Santa Monica isn’t really much of anything to get laid out over. It’s fairly commonplace, actually. But what interested Yolanda is that the house was yanked off the MLS just weeks prior to closing and the buyer took title under cover of a blind trust. A blind trust, for all you newbies up in here, is a sort of thing often used by Hollywood celebrities or other notables when buying a house. It keeps the owner’s true identity out of public records and shielded from prying eyes.
It also appears the mysterious buyer may have paid all cash, as Yolanda finds no evidence of any financing/mortgaging on the home.
So imagine Yolanda’s surprise when we found out from not one but two separate little birdies who responded to our queries and chirped back that the new resident is not a big-name celebrity at all but rather an enigmatic woman named Tina Trahan.
We say “enigmatic” because apart from a couple Deadspin articles — more on those in a moment — Ms. Trahan is essentially ungoogleable. No Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter, no obvious signs of employment, nothing in property records. There are a small handful of pictures of her posing up a storm at social events. Other than that, nada.
Goodness gracious! We’ve got to hand it to Ms. Trahan. Yolanda has been in this “business” a very long time and most of these folks who believe they are ungoogleable aren’t really ungoogleable. You just have to know what you’re googling for. But Ms. Trahan really is ungoogleable. Well, almost.
(Okay, we promise no more saying “ungoogleable” for the rest of this month. We’ve exceeded our quota.)
You see, the only insight we really possess into Ms. Trahan’s earthly existence comes from a 2009 Deadspin article detailing her close connections to Tiger Woods and a number of other professional athletes and assorted moguls. The post also described her as a member of Mr. Woods’ inner circle, a “bungling bunch of wannabe illiminati”. Ooh. Ouchies!
Apparently Ms. Trahan was a member of Mr. Woods’ private plane posse (ooh la la!) and also the lady responsible for introducing Mr. Woods to a few of his “mistresses” as some might call them. Others might call them “trashy little hussified trollops”. But not Yolanda! She thinks the blame rests solely with Mr. Woods. He was the married one, after all.
But we digress — where were we? Oh yes, Ms. Trahan. Don’t call the lady a madam. She just knows a lot of people who know a lot of people. Got it?
We queried one of our birdies — a man we’ll call Deep Throat who knows everything about everyone — and he told us that Ms. Trahan has a child (whose name and gender are not relevant to this story) that just started the 6th grade at the uber-elite Buckley School in Sherman Oaks, where tuition can easily exceed $40,000 per year. Yep, you read right. More than $40k a year for middle school.
But enough about our gurl. Let’s take a look at her big new house.
The house is located in a lovely and leafy section of east Santa Monica, just a block or two from one of Yolanda’s favorite LA hangouts: the Brentwood Country Mart.
The East Coast Traditional has three levels: 5,190-square-feet on the two above-ground floors and an additional 2,566 in the finished full basement for a total of 7,756 square feet of neutral-toned luxury living space packed onto a property measuring just .2-acre. According to the listing, there are 7 bedrooms and a total of either 6, 7, or 7.5 bathrooms (depending on where you look).
A front-facing two car garage sets off the entryway. The front door opens to wide-plank dark wood floors and a whole lot of neutral tones and very staged-looking furniture. Yolanda likes the sensuous curve of the staircase.
The kitchen is certainly well-equipped with top-of-the-line Miele and Wolf appliances and a Toyota Yaris-sized center island slathered in white Carrara marble. At least we think that’s what it is. The listing says “Carrera marble”. No, babies — CarrEra is the Porsche. CarrAra is the all-too-common look-at-me-I’m-real-damn-rich-with-my-expensive-countertops material. Okay? Okay.
Let’s head on upstairs. The double-doors dramatically swing (oh dear!) open to reveal the huge master suite. Argh, what’s with all those itty bitty fluorescent lights?! The ceiling’s got the damn chicken pox.
There’s a slim outdoor terrace and a fireplace, too.
Carrara marble litters the party-sized master bath of Tiger’s dreams. The master closet can accomodate a designer wardrobe but looks rather silly with those handful of random shopping bags on the shelves. Seriously, what on earth is that supposed to be?
Here’s two more of the six additional bedrooms and bathrooms. Both suites have their own terrace.
The basement level is ready to party with a enormous carved pool table that looks like it weighs more than an unconscious Hillary Clinton wearing a leaden pantsuit. (No, really — how the heck did they get that thing downstairs?) Elsewhere the basement has a sauna, a wine cellar, and a movie theater.
Other luxury features on the premises include security cameras, NEST thermostat, and a Sanos music system. There’s also a full outdoor kitchen with a BBQ. The compact backyard also sports stone terrace work and an odd sort of woodchip field that’s probably good for water conservation but looks a bit silly with a $7 million house. Who knows, but we don’t see Ms. Trahan as the type of gal who would be all concerned about pouring water on a patch of grass. But we could be wrong.
Just one more wee little thing. SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS and no pool?!?!?!!!111
Apparently so. Apparently that is a-okay in Santa Monica. Look, it’s a drought and all, we get it, blah blah blah. But still. $7,150,000. Take a long, hard look at that number. Then shift your focus to the photo of that backyard. Still breathing?
Annnnnyyyyyyyway. What a hot mess!
But we digress yet again. We want to know all about Ms. Trahan. How does she do it? How does she afford that $7 million pool-less spec-mansion? The $100k+ Tesla in her driveway? The pricey private school for her kid? Is she blackmailing Tiger or some other baller with dirty little secrets? Well, that’s what Yolanda thought at first.
But nope. She could be, of course, but we don’t think that’s the real explanation here. You see, in the Deadspin article it was mentioned that Ms. Trahan had a fling with (and was even engaged to) Chris Albrecht in the early 2000s. Mr. Albrecht is the CEO of Starz Media and a very rich fellow.
For whatever reason, the two eventually went their separate ways. Ms. Trahan reportedly lived with a Goldman Sachs guy in New York, Mr. Albrecht lived out here in LA and married a 25-year-old lass named Montana Coady. But then, hallelujah — both relationships went kaput! And Mr. Albrecht and Ms. Trahan found themselves back in each other’s arms. Or at least that’s what our pal Mr. Deep Throat tells us. And they do indeed look rather loved-up in that pic above, don’t they.
Could it be that Ms. Trahan’s $7 million house and Tesla motorcar come courtesy of Mr. Albrecht? It could! After all, our friends over at The Real Deal reported that Mr. Albrecht recently put his Brentwood mansion on the market. Perhaps he’s joining his lady friend in a large Santa Monica house just a quick jaunt away? Let it be so. After more than a decade apart here they are. Back again! Private plane posse and bungling wannabe illuminati crew be damned.
Ain’t love grand?
Selling agent: Charles Pence, Pence Halthorn Silver
Ms. Trahan and/or Mr. Albrecht’s agent: Cindy Ambuehl, The Agency