We may be in the harshest throes of winter at the moment — it dropped below 60 degrees in LA yesterday, for goodness’ sake — but the harbingers of spring lie just around yonder corner. And in spring, as Tennyson famously penned, “a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”
One fella who’s already got love on the brain is The Daily Show host Trevor Noah. Our Mr. Noah, who will turn 35 next month, is still a frisky young colt who happens to be newly single and ready to mingle. He’s also a smart cookie who well knows that no self-respecting LA lady will step out with a gentleman — famous or not — unless he’s got an appropriately baller car and a nice house. (We joke. Well, kinda.)
So our Mr. Noah, who plans to live a bicoastal lifestyle, has quietly dropped some (very) serious coin on a sexed-up SoCal bachelor pad. But before we discuss the house, a background check on this funny fella.
Born and bred in South Africa, Mr. Noah is the product of a white father and a black mother. Under apartheid law, his parents’ interracial relationship was illegal at the time — his real estate mogul mama was actually jailed and fined by the government for her civil disobedience.
Mr. Noah has been honing his stand-up skills since he was a teenager, performing on a variety of TV and radio shows in his homeland. In the mid-2000s, he hosted The Real Goboza, a gossip-themed program on SABC 1. He’s also helmed game shows, reality shows, sports shows, dancing competitions, you name it. In 2011, Mr. Noah permanently relocated to the US and began conquering the bigger American pond.
Since 2015, Mr. Noah has served as host of the Comedy Central satirical news program The Daily Show, a coveted and lucrative gig that has made him one of the most recognizable comics in the USA.
If you’ve ever watched Mr. Noah’s program, y’all already know that much of his stand-up shtick involves poking fun at Donald Trump. Whether you appreciate Mr. Noah’s brand of bemused humor will likely depend on your political leanings, of course.
So Trump and Trever Noah are total opposites, and ne’er the twain shall meet. They’re the antithesis of each other! Nothing in common besides their male anatomy, right?
But not so. There is at least one major commonality these two possess. And that is, of course, how they both enjoy livin’ it up. They share decadent and unabashedly — outrageously? — lavish lifestyles.
Late last year (2018), a brand-new contemporary showstopper in the Bel Air hills sold for an extremely A-list $20,500,000. The buyer’s identity is carefully shielded behind a blind trust, naturally. But as we discovered, the new owner is — you guessed it — our boy Mr. Noah.
Well, shut Yolanda’s big mouth! $20.5 million is a whole buttload of money. In fact, that’s more than all but the most extremely rich celebrities spend on their homes. The only famous folks who throw down more are the Taylor Swifts, Beyoncés, Adam Levines and Kim Kardashians of the world. Y’all get the picture.
As an FYI, public records show that Mr. Noah has a very substantial mortgage on his new digs — to the tune of $40,000 in payments per month. And that’s principal only, before interest is even included! And it’s also in addition to the $20,000 in monthly payments he makes on his NYC condo.
Holy guacamole! Imagine having $65,000++ in monthly mortgage bills. Keep those jokes coming.
The spec-built mansion is situated way high up in western Bel Air, on a quiet cul-de-sac shared with ten other homes, each of them worth millions. However, the only other “celebrity” on Mr. Noah’s street is Gary L. Wilson, the former CFO of Disney and chairman of Northwest Airlines. The other nine homes are owned by ordinary rich folks — doctors, lawyers, real estate investors and the like.
Records show that the 1.31-acre property was last sold in 2015 for just $3,745,000 to prominent businessman Peter Cohen of Cardinal Equities. Our Mr. Cohen razed the existing residence and set about constructing a glassy, uber-contemporary extravaganza.
The gated spread sports a Presidential-worthy security system and Control4 smart home automation. A wee motorcourt lies adjacent to a three-car garage and the imposing wooden front door.
According to listing materials, the two-level mansion includes 10,044-square-feet of living space. (That’s very large, in case anyone was wondering.) On the lower floor, there’s a chicly minimalist kitchen with two marbleized islands, a formal dining space, great room, maid’s quarters and a home theater. Unseen in listing photographs (but lurking there somewhere) is a massive 500-gallon saltwater aquarium.
Upstairs are four en-suite family/guest bedrooms, including the hedonistic 2,200-square-foot master suite (that’s bigger than the average American home, FYI). Our Mr. Noah will no doubt appreciate the dramatic walls of glass in his bedroom, plus the wraparound terrace. He’s also got dual bathrooms and dual closets up in there.
The other three bedrooms also have unobstructed views, and the listing refers to one of them as an “ultra private VIP suite,” with its own private terrace. We’re not sure which VIP guest(s) Mr. Noah plans to accommodate at his new Bel Air digs, but we’re guessing Trump will not score an invite.
Yolanda is available for a weekend stay. Just in case Mr. Noah was wondering.
The 1.31-acre hillside lot boasts sufficient space for a huge swath of lawn and the property’s centerpiece: a 62-foot infinity pool that juts out over the cliff, pointing toward the Pacific Ocean and Catalina Island. “Go yonder, my boy. Westside gurls are the best, and don’t get me started on those Manhattan Beach babes,” it seems to say. (Or maybe that’s just Yolanda’s early mornin’ mimosa talking.)
Yolanda believes Mr. Noah is already living on the Bel Air premises, and has even thrown a housewarming party. Some of his old South African friends — Sizwe Dhlomo and Dr. Nokukhanya Khanyile among them — have posted a slew of photos taken at this house to their respective Instagram accounts.
But anywho. The Daily Show films in NYC, so naturally Mr. Noah still keeps a pricey outpost in the Big Apple. Back in February 2017, he shelled out an impressive $10,185,500 for a duplex penthouse atop Stella Tower in the trendy Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood.
The 3-bed, 3.5-bath pied-a-terre has a sprawling outdoor terrace on the upper floor, and the master suite features a bathroom with radiant heated marble floors and sitting area with a wet bar. (Pour yourself a drink and take it to bed or into the shower! What a great concept.)
Mull over this — $30 million in luxury space for one guy. Mr. Noah saw the value! (Trump would, too, though he’d probably prefer more gold-leaf accents.) And everybody who follow this blog — maybe you’re Progressive, maybe you’re a Tea Partier, maybe you don’t give a damn — can appreciate it all.
There it is, kids. Real estate. The great unifier! Our Savior, practically the second coming of Jesus Christ.
Far be it from Yolanda to cast aspersions on people way more important than ourselves, but we just think dreary politics are a total waste. Focus on the real property, people, not some invisible wall. Then — and only then — will our hurting world begin to heal. A brighter, happier time will dawn. Can’t you see?