SELLER: Shaquille O’Neal
LOCATION: Star Island, Miami, FL
If you missed our first post on Shaq’s Shack, click here.
Your Mama was contacted recently by a very well connected tipster in Miami whom we will call Billy Baldwin. No children, it was not the actor Billy Baldwin, we’re just using his name because he’s good looking in a smoldering, cheesy sort of way. Anyhoo, our Billy Baldwin had some interesting information about Shaq’s Shack and the reasons this family is eager to sell their uber-expensive house.
Turns out, the O’Neal’s purchased this home furnished. FURNISHED! They did undoubtedly hire a nice gay decorator to personalize the space, but they also undoubtedly kept some of the previous owner’s furnishings and decor. Why would they buy it, if they didn’t intend on keeping at least some of it, right?
Children, buying a house furnished disturbs us. Your Mama is not comfortable with the idea of sitting our big booty down on chesterfields that were belonging to strangers. It does not matter how expensive they might have been or even how rich and classy the previous owners may have been. One just never knows what nastiness has been on that fabric. It’s no different than buying the furniture from a hotel.
If you watch the television at all you’ve seen those programs on 20/20 where they go into hotel rooms shining a blue light everywhere and testing the “material” that’s found. Hunny, we are too decent to begin to tell you the kind of “fluids” they find all over the furniture, floors, walls AND ceilings, but we know it’s enough to scare anyone from purchasing hotel furniture. Ever.
Anyhoo, Mr. Billy Baldwin also whispered in Your Mama’s ears some information about why these O’Neal folks are wanting off of Star Island like all those people wanted off Gilligan’s Island in the 1970s. Turns out, every weekend, boat after boat of “celebrity tours” stop out back of the house loaded down with people shouting, taking pictures, waving and otherwise making asses of themselves in the hopes of catching a glimpse of the tall man and his family.
All our loyal readers out there know how that shit makes Your Mama’s blood boil. What is wrong with people? Paying to get on a boat and float around looking at the backsides of famous people’s houses? Please. That is just stupid. If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it 1,000 times: If the children want to look at pictures of famous folks and their homes, read the tabs and online outlets. It is in shockingly bad form to be showing up at a person’s house hooting and hollering asking for photos.
What are these people thinking? That the celebrity is going to ask them in for tea? Or have them over for a slumber party? Oh no. Trust us when Your Mama tells you they’re smiling at these nuts thinking what a bunch of freak-os they are to be bugging them at home. Oh Lawhd, we are so upset now we’re hyper-ventilating. Your Mama has got to go now and find us a paper bag to breathe into and get the Dr. Cooter to prescribe us some blood pressure pills.