SELLER: Jo (and Ronnie) Wood
LOCATION: Greater London, UK
SIZE: 9-13 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: No band epitomizes the quintessential–and some might say cliché–rock and roll lifestyle of booze, drugs and loosy–goosy groupies than The Rolling Stones. In fact, they kind of invented it. In the 1960s and 70s the band happily wallowed in a life of debauchery and lasciviousness. In the process they became wildly rich and internationally recognized icons who are still so popular that even as senior citizens can fill stadiums around the world with thousands upon thousands of screaming fans that include frightfully young and scantily clad women willing to flash their chee–chees and fornicate with band members upon request.
In the mid-1970s The Rolling Stones were in need of a new guitarist and the scratch to that itch was Ronnie Wood. Although new to The Rolling Stones, Mister Wood was no stranger to the proverbial rock and roll lifestyle having previously picked, strummed, and laid it down something fierce for The Birds, The Jeff Beck Group, and Faces.
In the 1970s Mister Wood made his first baby with his first wife Krissy. They were divorced in 1978 shortly after he’d already met his next wife, the formidable and delicious looking Jo Wood (née Karslake) who he married in 1985 and who brought to the union a child of her own from a previous marriage. Ronnie and Jo had two children together and as of today they have 6 grandchildren. Ten or so years ago the blended, Brady-bunch style family settled into a gigantic house about 9 miles outside Central London in the leafy south west suburb of Kingston Hill.
Being married to a hard living rock star and horny groupie magnet can’t be easy but to her credit Jo stuck it out for more than 20 years. However, in the spring of 2008 the grizzled and thin as a microphone stand Ronnie Wood started up with a barely legal Russian cocktail waitress named Ekaterina Ivanova. According to Mister Wood’s publicist, he met the nubile and eager young blond in “a dodgy escort bar at four in the morning when he was boozed out of his mind.” Oh, ouch. In July of 2008, shortly after getting with his 19 year old lover–some reports say she was 18, and others 20–Mister Wood checked himself into a rehabilitation facility for about the 112th time in an effort deal with his excessive drinking.
When he left rehab Mister Wood did not, reportedly, return to the family fold in Kingston Hill but instead ran into the arms of his Russian lover who is 3 times younger than the sixty-something year old Mister Wood. Lo-ward have mercy. Your Mama’s all for a May-December romance poodles. The Dr. Cooter is, after all, a bit older that Your Mama. But as far as we’re concerned, the gap between 19 and 60 is simply a chasm too wide to be traversed with any kind of dignity. Under no circumstances, puppies, can an age differential like that be anything but unseemly and embarrassing. Ever.
Anyhoo, Missus Wood, after 20-some years of marriage filed for a dee–vorce that was finalized towards the end of 2009. The out of court settlement reportedly grants the now ex-Missus Wood half of Mister Wood’s estimated $37,000,000 fortune, plus a monthly allowance, and ownership of the family mansion in Kingston Hill. Long before the dee–vorce was finalized, much to the chagrin of his children, Mister Wood had moved into a mock castle with a turret in the Claygate area of Surrey with his dewy Russian waitress lover gurl.
Previous to the couple’s dee–vorce being finalized, eco-conscious ex-Missus Wood–who created a line of organic beauty products and maintains extensive organic gardens at her home–gave an interview to The Sunday Times that indicated her plans for the future of the family mansion included renting the place out for “green” weddings and other events to the tune of £35,000–or about fifty grand in U.S. dollars–per day. However, thanks to Kitty Litterinlondon Your Mama has learned that ex-Missus Wood had a real estate change of mind and recently opted to list the dee–luxe family manse with an asking price of £13,000,000, a number that Your Mama’s currency conversion contraption reveals amounts to $19,842,600 at today’s rates.
Listing information for the rambling, elegant, and wonderfully quirky Wood mansion shows the property sprawls across 2.31 acres and includes a total of 9-13 bedrooms and 8 poopers spread throughout the 3-floor main house, cottage, lodge, garage building, and pool house.
A few minutes perusing the floor plans included with the listing materials, however, and Your Mama counts 3 kitchens, 7 bedrooms, 7 full and 6 half poopers or water closets in the main house, another 3 bedrooms and 1.5 poopers in the cottage, 2 bedrooms and a pooper in the lodge, a single half pooper in the garage, and what essentially amounts to 1.5 poopers in the building that houses the indoor swimming pool and spa. Altogether that adds up to 12 bedrooms and 10 full and 9 half poopers for a total of 19 terlits. That’s more than enough, Your Mama imagines, to require the Wood family keep at least two full time minimum wage gals who do nuthin‘ but scrub the terlits and clean the damn kitchens.
Based on the marketing materials and according to our admittedly rudimentary calculations, the Wood house measures 11,590 square feet not counting the additional 675 square feet contained in the basement rooms that include a wine cellar and a couple of storage areas. The cottage, according to listing information, measures 1,414 square feet, the lodge 813 square feet, the garage and workshop 804 square feet and the detached building that houses the swimming pool another 3,425 square feet.
The front door opens into an itty-bitty vestibule that opens into the commodious reception hall through a pointed Gothic arch door that introduces a vaguely ecclesiastical architectural theme that repeats itself throughout the Wood mansion. The reception hall doubles as the formal living room and has paneled walls, worn hardwood floors that lend the room a lovely patina, a leaded glass bay window, and a fireplace with fleur de lys accents that curves gently but forcefully out into the room.
Many of the ground floor rooms spoke off from the reception room including the formal dining room with fireplace and pretty but too-puny chandelier, a billiard room with beamed ceiling, fireplace, and raised seating area, morning room with a fourth fireplace that overlooks the rear terrace and gardens, a solarium with stone flooring, fireplace and dramatically peaked glass ceiling, and the stair hall with an antique chandelier, painted paneling, Easter-y lavender carpeting–at least we think it’s carpeting or maybe it’s painted hardwood–and towering arched windows that one might easily expect to find in a cathedral.
In addition to three powder poopers/water closets, the ground floor also contains a family room with extra wide plank hardwood flooring, fireplace, and playfully if not entirely pleasing colorful melange of upholstered furniture, a breakfast room with built in bar of reclaimed wood planks, and a colossal kitchen with a pressed tin ceiling, stone flooring, large larder, and walk-in refrigerator.
The second floor includes a study and gym with private facilities, 1 small bedroom and three larger bedrooms, two of which are suites and all of which claim their own crapper. One of the suites has a sitting room with kitchenette, bedroom and pooper, another has a fireplace and connects to the study through the pooper, and the third, the one Your Mama thinks is ex-Missus Wood’s boo-dwar has an attached pooper with an exquisite copper soaking tub/shower, small balcony, and a custom fitted dressing room larger than most bedrooms.
The mansion’s third floor contains two bedrooms each with private pooper, a large loft room of unknown usage, and a two-room suite with kitchenette, pooper, and private balcony. The home’s 2-room laundry facilities are located on the third floor, a location that would aggravate our imperious house gurl Svetlana to no end unless a dumb waiter was installed to haul the linens and things up and down the three-floor mansion.
In addition to the cottage and lodge buildings that each contain additional bedrooms and poopers, there is a long, narrow garage and workshop as well as a detached indoor swimming pool enclosed in a glass roofed building that contains a couple of sinks and terlits, a shower, dry sauna, and steam room. The remainder of the grounds have expansive lawns, mature shade trees, a pond, and a extensive organic gardens where ex-Missus Wood grows her own vegetables.
Mister and ex-Missus Wood also own a six and some million dollar home in County Kildare, Ireland that is–allegedly and reportedly–still under dispute. Ex-Missus Wood is said to want to sell the property because it is where Mister Wood wooed, made hay, and fell in love with his exceptionally young Russian cocktail waitress ladee-friend. We don’t know whether that’s true or not but we do know that by late 2009 lecherous Mister Wood and his young Russian hussy had parted ways in a not particularly friendly way amid rumors that a drunken Mister Wood attacked and choked on Miss Ivanova and reports that she was two-timing Grandpa Wood with a much younger male model. Oh what a tangled web we weave…
Mister Wood quickly replaced Miss Ivanova with a hotsy–totsy Brazilian polo coach named Ana Araujo. Not surprisingly, the Russian waitress is hoping to cash in on her affair with the insanely famous Mister Woods and recently entered the Celebrity Big Brother house which is sort of odd because Your Mama thought you had to be at least a c-list celebrity to be on a show called Celebrity Big Brother and not just some gurl who did the dirty with a celebrity plenty old enough to be her damn grandfather.
Your Mama, who does not know a screw from an umbrella, would guess that ex-Missus Wood, an empty nesting dee–vorcée, plans to move to more modestly sized if not less luxurious accommodations, perhaps even something a little closer to the swinging central areas of London. As for Mister Wood, well, maybe he’s still stuck up in his mock castle in Claygate or perhaps he’s left that behind for a home with fewer memories of his former Russian waitress gurly-pal who is still young enough to be his damn granddaughter.