SELLER: Ted Allen
LOCATION: 245 7th Avenue, Chelsea, NYC
SIZE: 2,258 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths
DESCRIPTION: (The listing agent’s website offered a virtual novel for a description, so Your Mama is going to shorten and paraphrase here.) Stunning, square shaped, sun flooded corner loft with 12 windows, 11′ ceilings, open views and a newly renovated kitchen designed and built for a celebrity chef. The loft has two winged bedrooms and can easily be converted to a three bedroom. Media room features surround sound.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama will confess we do not watch the show on which this man plays on the Bravo (Queer Eye for a Straight Guy). There are several reasons for why we turn the channel when this show comes on. But the main reason has to do with how these mincers ride around in a big suburban and when they get where they’re going they all jump out and RUN like they’re doing a 100 yard dash at the Olympics. We find this running business both disturbing and unnecessary. We get they are running to some “fashion emergency” and it’s supposed to be all Charlie’s Angels or whatever. But boys, it’s just silly. Please. Walk yourselves like dignified homosexuals in good shoes who do not care to break a sweat.
Anyhoo, the most likable of these fashion and lifestyle mavens, the be-speckled chef Mr. Ted Allen, has done sold off his loft in Chelsea, Manhattan’s gay gay gay ghetto. Like so many main streamers who are looking for a little cool, Mr. Allen and his bofo, architect Barry Rice, have decamped to the B-K (Brooklyn) where they have purchased a townhouse in need of some serious fag magic.
The loft they’re leaving behind is well located being across from Whole Foods, Jamba Juice and just up the street from FedEx/Kinkos. The well considered layout has loads of closet space (always a good thing for fashion conscious poofters) and a winged bedroom situation which is most excellent for privacy from guests or screaming children.
Your Mama is particularly loving the large entrance hall. We hate these places where you open the door right into the living room. We do not need every delivery person or nosy, door knocking neighbor to be seeing straight into our inner sanctum every time we open the damn door.
Ordinarily we do not care for the “loft style” where you have to be looking at the kitchen from everywhere you sit in the living room. But this layout works for us…mainly because the television watching area is tucked behind that lovely wood wall. This way you can leave the dirty dishes in the sink until after you’re done watching that horrifying yet addictive show The Housewives of Orange County, which is also on the Bravo.
Your Mama is also liking the dining area tableau. Even though we recognize it’s a little passe to do a display wall of all white things, and were absolutely unsure of the chairs, we are still thinking this area really works for us. And, of course, we love the antler chandelier, a classic, design fag staple.
Children, it is the bathroom we are truly questioning. And we know you are too. The listing says the baths have all been recently renovated with dee–luxe Carrara marble, but we’re only seeing some ordinary white tile. But that’s not the worst offense. That’s right, it’s the flamingo. We understand it’s meant to be cute and “ironic,” but Your Mama is just sickened by this kind of “irony.” It might safely work in an apartment that expressed other bits of “irony,” but this apartment is ab-so-lute-lee not playing that game. Messrs. Allen and Rice, we do not recommend repeating this flamingo mo-teef in your new townhouse.
Your Mama would like to wish Mr. Ted Allen and his Mister a happy new home in Brooklyn. And of course, let us know when you’d like Your Mama to come to dinner at the new place. We’ll bring you some cupcakes from Billy’s.