BUYER: Dustin Lance Black
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 2,866 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last night, while settin‘ on the sofa, minding our own bizness and trying to hear if our neighbors had returned from their cruise to the Cayman Islands, we received a thoughtful missive from the bizzy boys at Celebrity Address Aerial who kindly informed Your Mama that screenwriter/director/producer/LGBT rights activist Dustin Lance Black had done bought himself a bigger and better crib in Los Angeles, CA.
Mister Black, a reformed Mormon, writes and co-produces the hit series Big Love about a harried polygamist businessman with a Jesus complex, three complicated wives and too many troubled children to bother to count. In 2008, at the tender age of 34, he received an Academy Award for his original screenplay for the movie Milk, a film in which Your Mama’s pal Falsetta Knockers had a wee part. Winning the little gold statuette catapulted the relatively unknown Mister Black to plum projects such as the Gus Van Sant directed film adaptation of Tom Wolfe’s book The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and the original screenplay for the much anticipated Clint Eastwood directed biopic Hoover about J. Edgar Hoover, the low-down, conniving and cross-dressing Director of the FBI who will be portrayed by Leo DiCaprio.
If he wasn’t already a household name among gossip glossy aficionados, he quickly became one in June of 2009 when naughty naughty naughty but newly reformed gossip blogger Perez Hilton posted lurid and explicit photographs of Mister Black engaged in unsafe intimate homosexual relations. Unlike some of these other tawdry beehawtchas in Hollywood who allow and profit from the distribution of their “private” sexual moments but whine about it at every chance they (publicly) can, Mister Black was authentically mortified at the breach of his bedroom door. Mister Black filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against a photo agency for the unlawful distribution of the pictures that he claims were illegally obtained. Honestly, we’re not sure the current status of that legal matter.
Anyhoo, property records reveal that in October of 2004, on the heels of directing and producing the documentary My Life With Count Dracula and a number of episodes of the reality program Faking It, Mister Black shelled out $525,000 to purchase a petite 928 square foot house in the Hollywood Hills with just 2 bedrooms and 1 pooper. Records suggest the house still belongs to Mister Black and it does not currently appear on the open market. Now children, Your Mama does not know Mister Black–nor did we view the photos of him nekkid and doing dirty things with that boy–and we certainly don’t know what his plans are for the old house but Your Mama advises the budding Hollywood player to keep it as an investment. If he takes some of the pay from his next well-paying job to pay off the mortgage, he’ll have a tidy monthly income should his career fall into a bit of a sinker at some point in the future.
As his star grew, Mister Black’s real estate britches have gotten a little bigger so a new house more commensurate with his increasing success was in order. Listing information and property records reveal that Mister Black must have really wanted his new nest because he paid $1,455,000 for a house listed at $1,389,000. This suggests there was at least one other interested party who made a solid offer.
The 1924 English Tudor style residence, at the quiet end of a very bizzy street sandwiched between Hollywood and the Sunset Strip, was recently taken down to the studs and given a full face-lift and makeover. Set behind high mature hedges, the two-story house measures 2,866 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers. A detached garage at the tail end of a gated driveway at the rear of the property was converted to an unpermitted–meaning not exactly legal–1 bedroom and 1 pooper guesthouse/poolhouse/possible office space.
Sadly and although there is a lovely covered portico at the front of the house, Mister Black’s new home lacks a proper entrance hall. Immediately upon opening the front door one is presented with the base of a straight staircase with a semi-circular landing. Unfortunately for Mister Black, the placement of the staircase–bottom steps that directly face the front door–is bad for the Feng Shui because it encourages all the money in the house to roll down the front stairs and out of the house. Your Mama recommends Mister Black get a qualified Feng Shui queen up in there quick to help him set out some mirrors, plants and chimes to balance things out, help keep the qi a-flowin‘ and the money from running right out the damn door.
The adequate but hardly large living room has hardwood floors the color of burnt sugar, a fireplace and a single a fat column that separates it from the formal dining room that opens through French doors to a pergola-shaded patio at the back of the house. The nearby, all-new eat-in kitchen, which has a stoopid tee-vee mounted up into the corner of the breakfast nook, opens to the same pergola-shaded patio as the dining room. Dark custom cabinetry with mottled flax and beige granite counter tops and high-grade stainless steel appliances ring the room and a gigantic rectangular work island in the center of the room has a homier but bacteria collecting butcher block counter top.
The burnt sugar colored hardwood floors seen throughout the first floor continue right on up the stairs to the second floor where the long and narrow master bedroom overlooks the backyard and has a damn flat screen tee-vee awkwardly affixed to the wall and a custom fitted walk-in closet. The attached bathroom has a spa tub, glass enclosed steam shower–with a built-in seat y’all with note–double vanity and a cute octagonal window that tilts open for airing out the facilities.
The aforementioned pergola shaded and tile floored terrace at the back of the house steps down to the small but decently sized for the city back yard. A long, gated driveway along the side of the house leads up to a large concrete parking pad and the aforementioned unpermitted guesthouse/poolhouse/potential office space. The opposite side of the yard has a small patch of grass and an itty-bitty square-shaped and heated plunge pool surrounded by a tile terrace. Your Mama’s beady eyes to not espy an outdoor spa. That don’t bother someone like Your Mama who equates spa tubs with being boiled alive in your own filth, but for almost a million five we can promise you the Dr. Cooter would require a privately situated spa tub in the back yard.
Your Mama can’t imagine what it was about this house that caused Mister Black to pay $66,000 over the asking price when he could have chosen something a bit more privately situated where he wouldn’t have to back his car out of the driveway onto a bizzy street. However, five minutes clacking around the interweb revealed to Your Mama that the real estate pickins are, in fact, pretty slim in the $1,250,000 to $1,500,000 range in the immediate vicinity where Mister Black bought his house, particularly if you want something move-in ready with nearly 3,000 square feet and a swimming pool. So maybe he didn’t do so bad after all.
P.S. Now listen, carrot sticks, don’t Your Mama nor nobody else want to hear any self-righteous real estate piss and vinegar about how for a million five in Nameyervillage, USA a body can buy a 10,000 square foot mansion on 20 acres. Hogwash! Iffin Mister Black had wanted a 10,000 square foot mansion on 20 acres in Nameyervillage, USA, he would have probably bought a damn house in Nameyervillage, USA. Okaaay?
listing photos: Keller Williams Realty Beverly Hills