We’re sorry to do this to all our real estate obsessed children who just like looking at pretty pictures of outrageously expensive homes, but Your Mama’s Monday mish mash is going to be serious fuel for all the Chicken Littles out there who cheer and clap as the real estate market(s) continue to limp along in the after math of 2007s mortgage meltdown.
1. As Dolly Parton Would Say, “Here We Go Again…”
Oh lawhd children, it’s not even seven a.m. in the damn morning and the White Lady’s real estate problems are driving Your Mama to the booze cabinet for a little liquid fire to put in our morning coffee. Bear with us if we start slurring our words.
Now that we’re spiked, let’s start with the big news children, which is that the 4-1-1 is starting to slip out and get uploaded onto the real estate gossip grapevine regarding the averted foreclosure of beleaguered pop icon Michael Jackson’s 2,700 acre Neverland Ranch located on Figueroa Mountain Road in the spectacular oak tree dotted hills near Los Olivos, CA.
According to news reports, the $23,500,000 (approx.) loan that had long been held by the preternaturally patient Fortress Investment Group was sold to a California based real estate investment firm known as Colony Capital just five days before the property was due to be auctioned off on the steps of the Santa Barbara County Courthouse.
Colony Capital and Mister Jackson are reported to be discussing “the ranch and other matters,” and these Colony pee-pole are apparently “very comfortable” holding The White Lady’s loan until they able to negotiate payment terms.
Payment terms? Other matters? Pleeze.
Only time will tell, but if Your Mama had to bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, our money says that Colony Capital, as touchy-feely as they sound now, will not be nearly as patient as Fortress was regarding The White Lady’s apparent lack of funds to service his overwhelming debt, of which this $23,500,000 loan is only the tip of the iceberg.
Michael! You listen to Your Mama now and you listen good. It is only a matter of time before you gotta give up that damn ranch. Only you know why you cling and cleave so tightly to the place you lived when accused (and then acquitted) of touching little boys inappropriately. But hunny, it is long past time to put that baby to bed and you know it. So, seriously Michael, git one of your cute little kids to dial up super-successful high-dollar real estate agent Suzanne Perkins at Sotheby’s in Santa Barbara and let her sell that white elephant before all this gets ugly and embarrassing all over again. ‘Cause iffin you don’t sell this bitch off now, you know you’re gonna land face first in a vat of foreclosure mud yet again. And to be honest Michael, Your Mama is at the end of our damn rope with this nonsense and genuinely fear the Dr. Cooter will have to ship us off to The Betty Ford if this crap does not get resolved…and quick.
2. Bisno Bizness Update
In other luxury property foreclosure bizness, we’ve learned that controversial Bev Hills based real estate developer Robert Bisno has once again managed to obtain a “temporary restraining order” to push back the date of his scheduled foreclosure auction to June 4, 2008. The children will recall that the really rich Mister Bisno somehow landed himself in some financial hot water and his gigantic Beverly Park mansion was scheduled to be sold (see third item) at auction over what the Priority Posting website shows is a defaulted debt of $5,382,794.02. Your Mama is flabbergasted that a man with Bisno’s big bank accounts seemingly can’t juggle his numbers and work his abacus in such a way that he would scare up five and some million clams to save his 11,984 square foot house. But who knows?
3. Real Estate Round Two With Frankie Muniz
After not enticing anyone to snatch it up when it was first listed back in December of 2007 for $3,875,000, Frankie Muniz has re-listed his N. Wetherly Drive home in the Hollywood Hills with a new real estate agent and a reduced asking price of $3,695,000, which ain’t much more than the $3,499,000 property records indicate he paid for the 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom house in January of 2006.
4. Kathleen Turner Turns Over A New Price…Again
Another celebrity who seems to be having a bit of trouble unloading a high-priced house is Oscar nominated actress Kathleen Turner. Gravel voiced Miz Turner long ago listed her house in the Hamptons for a rumored and reported $8,000,000 and Your Mama discussed the Amagansett property back in July of 2007 when it was re-listed at $6,995,000 after a minor make-over. The asking price was later karate chopped to $6,250,000 and according to the real estate gossip gurls at Newsday the asking price has once again been hacked, this time down to $5,900,000. The Newsday gurls also report that the 6 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house is being sold as part of the dee–vorce settlement between Miz Turner and her estranged huzband Jay Weiss.
Your Mama feels for Miz Turner having to contend with this bit of real estate drama. However, given that records show the tough and nails ladee paid only $488,500 for the property back in 1990, we don’t feel too terrible. Let’s face it puppies, no matter what she sells the property for, she’ll still be pocketing millions.
5. Putting Shorewood Manor To Bed
In other Hamptons real estate news, it’s now being revealed that Shorewood Manor, the grand old 23-room Shelter Island grandma that was last listed $22,400,000 sold for just $12,400,000 to an as yet un-named Swiss bizness tycoon.
While that sales price sets some sort of record for Shelter Island real estate, it’s a FAR cry from the fantasitical figure Shelter Island local Chris Knight was hoping to get when he snagged the property in early 2007 for $10,000,000 and flipped it back on to the market two weeks later with a blistering $33,000,000 asking price. Mister Knight was reportedly all smiles after the closing, but Your Mama imagines (we imagine people, imagine) that he’s not at least a little disappointed that in the end he didn’t make enough mooloah from flipping Shorewood Manor to retire young.