BUYER: Leona Lewis
LOCATION: Astral Drive, Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 3,946 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning California Compound!…Security & Seclusion in a Private Gated Community! Designer Courtyard Entry has 4Bdrm Main House w/ Incredible High Ceilings, Exquisite Tuscan Details & Amazing Family rm/Kitchen! Across the Courtyard is a GuestHouse with its own Garage! 4 Separate Outdoor Entertaining Areas: Waterfall, Pool & Spa, Firepit, Garden Walkways, BBQ Kitchen, & Grassy Yard. Parking Galore!
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First of all, Your Mama needs a damn nerve pill after reading that real estate description with all its damn exclamation points and Capital Letters! All that over emphasized punctuation and all those Capital Letters make Your Mama feel like the listing is screaming bloody murder right into our tender eardrums. All the real estates know that Your Mama does not care to bash and trash them. Heaven knows they get plenty of that from their clients. However, sometimes we just can’t keep our trap shut. So listen up real estates, because Your Mama is about to offer you some unsolicited but sage advice: Stop Capitalizing Every Damn Word in Listing Descriptions and Stop Throwing Exclamation Marks Around Like They’re Rice at A Damn Wedding! Lo-ward people, that kind of crap ain’t nuthin‘ but distracting not to mention all kinds of aggravating to people who do not want to work in order to read a description the damn property.
Anyhoo, let’s move on before Your Mama’s blood really gets up on this. The last we knew of British singing sensation Leona Lewis, she was living in a leased crib up on Laurel Pass in the Laurel Canyon area of LaLa Land. Then, in early November we received a covert communique from Big Dave at Celebrity Address Aerial who pointed our nosy noggin towards a house in the Nichols Canyon area of Los Angeles which, according to property records, was purchased by the parents of the X-Factor winning and Grammy nominated singer. We did a little peeping and poking around ourselves and managed to turn up the listing for the property but Your Mama was so mortified and mentally mangled by some of the home’s eyeball assaulting interior appointments that we quickly downed a gin & tonic and plum forgot all about the matter.
That is, until yesterday–or maybe it the day before that, we can’t remember–when we heard from Mirakle Mike, another of our wildly well informed sources, who also directed Your Mama’s limited attentions over to this same house in the Hollywood Hills at which Big Dave pointed. Then, another source, someone we’ll call The Legal Eagle, turned our attention to a recent article in the Daily Mail–that’s a tab in the U.K., children–that gushed about the “Tuscan-style villa” the songbird snatched up for £1,800,000.
In actuality, records and listing information provided by Babbling Babette reveal that young Miss Lewis did not pay 1,800,000 British pounds for the place–which, according to our currency conversion contraption, translates to $3,065,876US at today’s rates–but rather 1,850,000 American dollars. Now that the money matters are cleared up, let’s all have a wee look-see at the 3,946 square foot house which listing information shows includes 4 bedrooms and 4 poopers. The home’s location near the tippy-top of Nichols Canyon, at the tail end of a private and gated street and up a long driveway should provide all the peace, privacy and quiet Miss Lewis might want or need. The unfortunately flesh colored, two-story, neo–contempo–faux-Tuscan compound includes a main house, a detached guest house, garaging for 3 cars and parking for 10 more.
The front door appears to open into an entrance hall/formal living room combination. We’d describe the wood floors that are so glossy Your Mama would not recommend a ladee in a skirt stand on them lest her naughty bits be reflected onto the floor and we’d discuss the marble tile staircase with the intricate wrought iron banister but our eyes are so harassed by those excessively pleated, draped and ass-uglee curtains that we’re simply unable to see anything else. Your Mama can only hope that Miss Lewis has the decorative smarts to have those things ripped down ih–mee–deeuht-lee and let a nice gay, decorator replace them with something less desperate and more dignified. The unnecessarily dramatic curtain treatment continues into the dining room which also has marble tile floors laid at a 45-degree angle to the room, a crystal chandelier and a disturbingly off center window that looks out onto the gardens. We’re not even going to attempt to describe the moldings in the dining room which we think might be–jeezis help us all–faux-gilded and have Your Mama hyperventilating with decorative upset.
As we would have predicted, the very beige eat-in kitchen has a chandelier over the breakfast table and a damn pot rack looming dangerously over the work island. A nearby family room has wood floors, off-center French doors that open to the back yard, a corner fireplace and more of that dining room molding that gives Your Mama the shivers.
Upstairs, the master bedroom has been fitted with wall to wall carpeting in the lightest of beige colors that blends almost seamlessly to the eggshell white walls. French doors open to a private terrace overlooking the back yard and there is another corner fireplace, the second of three on the property. The master pooper has a lot of beige tile work, a separate soaking tub and glass shower, and a light fixture on which someone appears to have hung all their pearl jewelry.
The property has, according to listing information, four separate entertainment areas: the swimming pool and spa area with its double rock waterfall, a fire pit surrounded on two sides by built in stone benches, a barbecue kitchen for outdoor cooking as well as a grassy yard where the kiddies can play and the pooches can piddle and poop.
The truth is Your Mama knows little to nothing about Miss Leona Lewis other than that with the help of star maker Simon Cowell she has become a wildly successful R&B pop music super star. And bully for her for that. We just hope that she has enough sense to hire a nice, gay decorator to help her work out some of the serious kinks in her new house. Listen Miss Lewis, Your Mama knows you’re new in town so iffin you need some assistance finding someone to work over your new digs, just give Your Mama a shout and we’ll hook you up with someone as talented with the day-core as you are with the singing.