SELLER: Kim Kardashian
LOCATION: S. Clark Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,099,000 (list); $885,000 (sale)
SIZE: 1,750 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Uber chic design fuses with ultimate luxury to provide you with one of the most sought after units to hit the market. The 1,750 SF condo has no expense spared. One of the trendiest buildings in West Hollywood, this unit boasts 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, with a massive walk in closet in the luxurious master suite. This crown jewel is centrally located and just steps away from the high end boutiques and cafes of Robertson.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Dear children, please forgive Your Mama because despite our own significant reservations about her particular brand of “celebrity,” we are about to discuss buxom broo–nette Kim Kardashian and the West Hollywood, CA condominium we recently learned via covert communique from Khristina Koulourakia she listed for sale with an asking price of $1,099,000.
Miss Kardashian, an entrepreneurial gal who has somehow managed to turn her brobdingnagian boo-tay and a tawdry sex tape into a “career,” is the daughter of O.J. Simpson attorney Robert Kardashian (now deceased) and momager Kris who is currently married to Olympic decathlete turned airplane salesman Bruce Jenner. Along with the rest of the Brady Bunch style Jenner/Kardashian clan, Miss Kardashian appears on the astoundingly awful reality program Keeping Up With The Kardashians. She also models for a few clothing lines, released a work out tape, recently launched a shoe shopping service called ShoeDazzle, was photographed in her birthday suit for the pages of Playboy and in the fall of 2008 she was voted off in an early round of Dancing With The Stars. It’s not exactly the resume of an bonified Tinseltown talent, but it’s none the less made her rich enough to scoot about town in a $200,000 customized Bentley Continental.
Anyhoo, the peeps at Property Shark reveal that Miss Kardashian scooped up her S. Clark Drive condo in November of 2005 for an undisclosed amount of money. Iffin we had to guess we’d say Miss Kardashian paid more than $800,000 and less than $850,000 for the 3 bedroom and 2.5 pooper apartment. but we really don’t recommend anyone running around quoting those figures because we are just guessing based on previous listing and mortgage information. Got that butter beans? We’re guessing.
Listing information indicates the 1,750 square foot unit is located in one “the trendiest buildings int West Hollywood.” Listen chickens, trendy is as trendy does and, like beauty, trendy is in the eye of the beholder. However, Your Mama has seen this building with our very own booze addled eyes and despite its location near all the super swank shops and restaurants that line pap infested Robertson Boulevard, this is not what what Your Mama would call a “trendy” building. It’s just another one of those innumerable 4-6 story, mock-Mediterranean/faux Tuscan architectural hot messes built in the early 2000s that line the streets of Los Angeles. A certain set of Angelenos will likely consider the building well located being just blocks from Beverly Hills, the Beverly Center, Kitson and The Ivy, but trendy? We don’t think so.
Whatever the case and despite our strong disagreements, listing information also indicates that this “crown jewel” of a condo fuses “uber chic design” and “ultimate luxury.” What it looks like to Your Mama is a beige and boxy apartment stuffed full of mirrors, mirrored furniture, Asian this and thats, and boldly printed black and white wallpaper in the powder pooper where Miss Kardashian has not very wisely or modestly hung a boo-dwar style photo of herself directly over the terlit. Larhd have mercy children, what sort of person thinks their guests want to be looking at their hostess when they pull their panties down to do their dirty bizness? Not Your Mama, that’s for sure.
The long living room has honey colored wood floors, recessed lighting, a brown sofa with a slew of tiger striped throw pillows and a regrettably gigantic wooden wall panel with Buddha or Krishna or some other Eastern religious figure’s face in bas-relief. The dining room has a tray ceiling slathered with gold leaf (or some sort of gold leaf facsimile) and a glass and mirror dining room table paired with an Asian style armoire and chairs that look like they might have had a previous life in a mid-priced airport hotel conference room. The kitchen, while not to our taste in any way whatsoever, does have a lot of workable counter space, high grade stainless steel appliances and plenty of Shaker style cabinetry for food and other kitchen things. What it does not appear to have is a proper window.
The guest room has been outfitted with a white, tufted fabric headboard, white linens, a crystal chandelier, a giant mirror leaning up against the wall and a white Louis-ish bergère–ish armchair Your Mama is mortified to see a couple more black and white photos of Miss Kardashian hanging above the silver side tables that flank the bed. Oh gurl, pleeze. Seriously, no. That one in the powder pooper is more than enough. Miss Kardashian and the children should take note that rule No. 18 in Your Mama’s Big Book of Decorative Do’s and Don’ts states: No self-respecting person–male or female–shall hang glammy or boo-dwar style portraits of themselves in their own homes unless they do not mind appearing narcissistic and desperate for attention.
Miss Kardashian’s ultra feminine, champagne colored bedroom is all tufted things and mirrors. There is a tufted headboard, a tufted bench at the foot of the bed, there are mirrors on the back wall, mirrored chests beside the bed and a gigantic, glitzy mirrored armoire. We’re somewhat surprised not to find mirrors on the ceiling. That would be tacky of course, but then again…oh never mind. Listing information indicates the master bedroom has a “massive walk in closet” and in addition to all her many terlitries, lotions, potions and perfumes, Miss Kardashian’s all beige master bathroom offers double sinks, a lot of mirrors–natch–a soaking tub surrounded by enough candles to light up Los Angeles, and separate shower about which the only nice thing we can say is that at least the developers/decorators had the good sense to run all that beige travertine all the way up to the ceiling unlike those cheap builders who stop the tile 4/5ths of the way up the wall, a pet peeve of Your Mama’s that drives us to the loony bin.
As far as we can tell, Miss Kardashian’s neighbors include a lot of people with foreign sounding names and celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck’s in-laws who property records indicate own a place a few doors down from Miss Kardashian. Where Miss Kardashian will haul all her boo-dwar photos and tufted and mirrored furniture is beyond our purview, but if we were the betting type we’d bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly it would be to an over-sized “Mediterranean” manse in Tarzana or some other suburban locale. We shall see.