SELLER: Keith Urban
LOCATION: Bancroft Place, Nashville, TN
SIZE: 7,047 square feet, 4 bedrooms 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tranquil celebrity retreat. Private yet convenient. Recently completed, landscaped & decorated for most discriminating clients. Interior spaces flow freely & offer spectaular hillside views. Public areas open to covered terrace, pool/spa.
YOUR MAMA NOTES: Let’s head on down to Nashville, home of the Grand Ol‘ Opry, Al Gore, and a couple of big name Australians named Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. Over the weekend, a very bizzy weekend mind y’all who just think we’re lazy, we received a frantic call from a Nashville tipster we affectionately call The Nashville House Whore (N.H.W.), who breathlessly told us that Keith Urban, the freshly rehabbed country crooner who is somewhat improbably married to porcelain skinned ack-tress Nicole Kidman, recently put his suburban mansion on the market for $2,450,000.
Located in a ritzy section of Nashville called Forrest Hills, the house sits in a small gated enclave of newly built and like minded mansions where the elite of Nashville decamp to wide green lawns, long curving driveways and backyard bbqs. Urban’s neck of the woods, leafy and suburban as it may be, is not reached by peacefully driving through the green streets of Nashville. Oh no. Nashville is a a suburban city where exclusive gated enclaves line the highways and byways.
Listing information for the property indicates that the house was only recently built and decorated, so it’s unclear to Your Mama whether Mister and Missus Urban ever slept a single night in this house. Certainly with Miz Urban in Australia making a movie called Australia with Baz Luhrmann, and Mister Urban’s somewhat recent stint in rehab learning to resist the booze, it does seem possible that the house was never properly occupied by the celebrity couple.
Property records indicate the house measures in at a fairly large 8,835 square feet, which is much larger than the 7,047 square feet that is shown on listing information. Your Mama can not be sure why this discrepancy.
The rather boring interior of the house looks like a model home in an upscale development of tract homes, and is strangely devoid of any life or personality. We can appreciate the soft taupe and blue color scheme in the formal living room and the high ceilings are a nice touch. But once we get into beige recreation room with the fancy legged pool table, we swear we’ve stumbled into the section of the country club where the children are stashed so that the parents can slowly marinate themselves in martinis without the kids hassling them and asking questions every five minutes.
The kitchen looks well appointed, if ordinary. Certainly it is large enough for Lucinda the housekeeper to whip up breakfast for the family and dinner for the snobby neighbors, which is perhaps all that’s important here. The Master bedroom, a banal study in beige and white, appears to get a lot of light from a good number of windows. Note the private terrace off the master bedroom, a perfectly private place for the Master and Mistress of the house to smoke a doobie before “retiring” for the evening.
Sometimes Your Mama, who gets stuck in the celebrity heavy locales of Los Angeles and New York, forgets that Nashville is loaded with celebrities too, mostly of the country western variety. The N.H.W. informs Your Mama that there are several other big name entertainers living near the Urban manse including LeAnn Rimes and her pretty househuzband Dean Sheremet, the venerable Barbara Mandrell lives just a mile down Highway 431 on Bridleway Trail, and red headed Ronnie Dunn from country western juggernaut Brooks and Dunn lives just around the corner from Miz Mandrell on a 16 acre spread on Old Hickory Boulevard.
Your Mama hears from the N.H.W. that all the Nashville gossips are whispering that Mister and Missus Urban have purchased one of the penthouse units in the 70 floor Signature Tower, one of the new high-rise developments in downtown Nashville. Some say it’s just a publicity ploy by the building, some say it’s not true, and some, like Your Mama simply don’t know. We’re just repeating gossip children, so don’t go spreading this around like it’s the gospel.
It’s clear from the price of the Urban pile that a millionaire’s money goes a lot farther in Nashville than in does in the rarified zip codes that comprise Beverly Hills, Bel Air, Malee-boo, New York City and the obscenely expensive Hamptons. However, no offense Nashvillians, Your Mama imagines that unless you’re a famous person who strums a gee-tar or talks with a twang (or marries someone who does), you’ll not be moving to Tennessee any time soon.
As some of the children know from previous discussions, Miz Kidman used to shack up in the very building Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter maintain a residence in New York City. Many times we ran into the pin thin ack-tress as she glided out of the building wearing skin tight work out gear and into the back seat of a big black Suburban with very dark windows. We presume she was off to the gym, but since she never even looked at Your Mama or our impossibly cute long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, let alone inform us where she was headed, we really don’t know.
Anyhoo, after the troubles and trials of Mister Urban’s addiction issues and the nonsense of Miz Kidman’s marriage to that freaky Tom Crooz, not to mention her rumored affair with that durty rocker Lenny Kravitz, which would be enough to put anyone in the crazy house, Your Mama seriously wishes these two some peace, quiet, and happiness together.