BUYERS: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren
LOCATION: N. Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills (Post Office)
PRICE: $4,050,000 (sale)
SIZE: 4,686 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Breathtaking Italian Villa in the BHPO adj. to Franklin Cyn. Park. 4 bds, 4 baths (en suite) + two 1/2 bas. Romantic master w/ fp that leads to an amazing outdoor terrace + his/hers custom closets, large cooks’ kitchen w/ Viking Professional range. Expansive, charming veranda w/ outdoor dining area. Beautiful faux finishes, arched doorways, imported Italian tiles & sinks, surround sound, landscaped yard w/ pool, spa, waterfall. Newer system. Every room opens to the outside.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Now that she’s got a baby in her belly, an engagement rock on her finger and new digs in the Beverly Hills Post Office, Your Mama sincerely hopes that Jessica Alba will stop swanning around town hiding her face, scowling, and generally looking like a Sally Sourpuss all the time. No offense gurl, ’cause Your Mama does not know shit about you, the movies you make, our why you rank on the Hollywood A-list, but one day your damn face is going to freeze like that and your career is going to be sorry. We know the paps can be annoying, but seriously gurl, if you want to keep being famous, and you know you do, Your Mama recommends a publicity lesson from ol‘ Paris Hilton. Everyone seems to love her and she doesn’t even do anything worth liking except smile and make nice-nice with the paps who eat her up like candy.
Anyhoo, for quite some time Your Mama has been reading on the blogs and in the gossip glossies that Miss Alba and her boy-bitch baby daddy-to-be Cash Warren have been house hunting. According to a recent blurb in US Magazine, the unmarried with-childs have finally bitten the bullet. The blurb in US gave Your Mama just enough information that with an assist from Our Fairy Godmother in Bev Hills, we were able to locate the new Alba/Warren family nest.
Listing information for the property shows an asking price of $4,195,000 and one of Your Mama’s better sources whispered in our big ear that Miss Alba and Mister Warren closed on the property in mid-January for $4,050,000. Who knew Miss Alba had so much damn money? For what? Looking good in her bee-kee-nee? What has she done that has made her so much money? Seriously? All that money from a surfing movie? Did she save every penny she earned from Dark Angel?
Listing information for the “Italian Villa,” which sits on a tiny off-shoot of N. Beverly Drive and not on N. Beverly Drive, measures in at a relatively modest 4,686 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms. Your Mama likes the bedroom to bathroom ratio and it is certainly gracious to offer your over night house guests private poopers. But six terlits means the twice weekly cleaning gurl is going to need an assistant whose sole responsibility will be scrubbing terlits. Something for Miss Alba to keep in mind as she works her budget and hires her household staff.
Now children, please keep in mind that the furniture and decor are not that of Miss Alba and Mister Warren, but rather the sellers of the home, who are not in the fame game. So really, let’s not blather on and on about how you’ve never seen a sofa like that in Tuscany or about how Italians don’t pave their gardens with Saltillo tiles.
Here’s what we like about this house: According to the listing, every room on the main floor opens to the outdoors. Now that, children, makes for some dee–lishus California living. The house is completely surrounded by Saltillo tile terraces tucked into the hillside, surrounding the heated swimming pool and over looking the scrubby hillside on the other side of N. Beverly Drive. There’s a gorgeous outdoor covered dining area perfect for balmy evenings spent sipping stiff gin and tonics and playing Scrabble, and the resort style swimming pool is wonderfully private and lovely enough to look at.
Here’s what we don’t like: The kitchen. Yes, we do appreciate the monster island perfect for rolling out tortillas, and maybe it’s just a bad photo, but that tile floor makes Your Mama’s head swim like the morning after a long night out with booze hounds and boy magnets Fiona Trambeau and Falsetta Knockers.
We have heard from a gentleman who will remain nameless, that the soon to be parents have yet to move into the house. So don’t any of you nimrods hop in your Daiwoos and Hyundais and drive up N. Beverly Drive hoping to catch a glimpse of Miss Angry Eyes. And we don’t recommend it after Miss Alba moves in either. Even under the best of circumstances this gurl does not like to be bothered by the paps or her fans, and now she is carrying that Warren baby and her are hormones prolly raging, she just might come running out of the house frowning for everything she’s worth and screaming like a banshee to give you a beat down. And you know what? You’d deserve it. Leave the ladee alone if she wants to be left alone. There are plenty of other attention desiring no talent “actresses” in LA who are more than happy to flash their hoo-has and be chased by the paps.
Now then, let’s all take bets on how long before paparazzi hating Miss Alba lobbies her neighbors to have the street gated.