SELLER: Jeana Keough
LOCATION: Coto de Caza, CA
SIZE: 8,000 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen puppies, Your Mama is going to try and be uncharacteristically brief because we’ve discussed the near constant real estate crises of all the The Real Housewives of Orange County to death. To. Death. Yes, we have done boiled that water until there wasn’t a drop of moisture left in the pan. None the less, because Your Mama has a bit of a masochistic streak, we’re going to try to squeeze a little diamond out of this turnip.
Back in June of 2009, recently dee–vorced–or probably ought to be dee–vorced–Jeana Keough listed her huge house in hot as Hades Coto de Caza, CA, with an asking price of $5,500,000. This was soon after records show she and her dead beat huzband Matt received a nasty Notice of Default on the approximately 8,000 square foot Keough family seat that includes 7 bedrooms, 8.5 poopers and a detached guest house above a portion of the 6 car garage. The Notice of Default drama was, according to Miz Keough, quickly resolved with the aid and assistance of her hairdresser, make up artist, bank people, nail gurl, life coach, and smoke blower who kept her sane and looking good through the process of having the mortgage restructured on her huge homestead.
By August of 2009 the price of Miz Keough’s mansion, which listing information rather generously calls a “French country estate,” had plummeted to $4,900,00. Listen celery sticks, as far as Your Mama is concerned this house isn’t remotely French, nor is it in the country and it ain’t an estate either. However, in a place where fake breasts, fake tans, fake hair and fake teeth are considered by many behind the Orange Curtain to be necessary virtues of attractiveness, architectural and decorative authenticity is, perhaps, not all that important.
Anyhoo, shortly after the price chop Miz Keough took the property off the market until February of 2010 when it reappeared with an even lower price tag of $4,200,000. Then, on the first of March of 2010 to price was once again hacked to $3,900,000.
But alas, whatever mortgage restructuring she managed to make happen back in the spring of 2009, it did not scratch her financial pinch itch for long because according to public records a second nasty Notice of Default was filed on the property in mid-December of 2009. Hold tight, butter beans, it gets worse. On the 10th of December of 2010 an even more nasty Notice of Sale was recorded on Miz Keough’s casa with an auction date set for the fifth of March, 2010. Oh dear. The minimum bid, according to the public records we accessed, is $1,519,824, which we assume–but do not know for sure–is the amount Miz Keough owes her lender. It’s very possible that Miz Keough has managed to stave off this trustee’s sale so don’t nobody go down to the courthouse in Santa Ana looking to bid on this uber-suburban albatross without first confirming the sale is a go-go.
Even though Miz Keough is no longer one of The Real Housewives of Orange County–beehawtcha was smart enough to exit the stage before she had to live out her financial fracases on national tee-vee like Tamra Barney and that poor Lynn Curtin ladee who got evicted from a rental house in front of the whole damn world–Your Mama has a lingering and wee soft spot in our cold, dark heart for Miz Keough. She is unquestionably the most likable and least manufactured of all those Orange County housewives who are really more like “housewives.” Given our itty bit o’ fondness for Miz Keough we’re going to do the ladee a favor and pick a real estate bone with her: Jeana, Jeana, Jee–nuh. Pleeze. Guuurrrrrl, you are in the damn real estate game so Your Mama should not have to be schooling you on how vitally important good photos of a property are in terms of attracting potential buyers. And we should also not have to be telling you that the more expensive a property and the worse the market, the more important those photographs become. This isn’t brain surgery, darlin‘. What we’re getting at is that Your Mama is absolutely mor-ti-fied to find such dark and poorly framed listing photographs of your house. Most of those rooms look like a damn cave. And not a good cave either. This inexcusable transgression of real estate common sense is made even more egregious due to your financial difficulties that necessitate you unload this white elephant toot suite.
Seriously ladee, we do hope someone comes in and offers you two million dollars for your house so you can pay back the bank and have a few shekels in your purse. But that isn’t likely happen with photos that make your house look like the sun doesn’t come within 20 feet of the windows, that is unless there’s a vampire down there in the OC who can only survive in the damn dark and what’s the likelihood of that?
Now then, we’re also going to do you the favor of listing some of the features of your house just in case someone wants to ring your bell and save your real estate ass. The chunky and architecturally clunky house sits on just over an acre and has a circular, stamped concrete driveway that gives way to a motor court through a porte cochere. Six, finished garage spaces surround the motor court. Inside there are reasonably high ceilings, a commodious 25-foot by 25-foot family room with built in bar, fireplace and glass doors that open to the back yard. The kitchen is kitted out with granite counter tops, and top grade appliances such as a Sub-Zero refrigerator and freezer. According to listing information all the bedrooms are at least sixteen feet square and the master suite includes a “retreat,” balcony and his and her poopers and walk in closets. The back yard, which wraps around the house and has views of Saddleback Mountain, is loaded with outdoor entertainments such as a covered patio, outdoor fireplace, built in barbecue center, gunite swimming pool and spa, and a sport court where we imagine your eldest son Shane spent a lot of time nearly naked with beads of sweat running down his well-formed body while he dribbled and shot basketballs.
And, let’s not forget that hard driving life insurance tycoon and sister-housewife Vicki Gunvalson lives just a few doors down and across the street. We’re not sure if that’s a bonus or not, but it is what it is.