SELLER: Greg Finefrock
LOCATION: Birdview Avenue, Malibu, CA
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms1
DESCRIPTION: …Recently renovated designer estate–exceptional location overlooking white water views. Enter through custom gates & be blown away by vast coastline vistas, amazing sunsets & complete privacy w/ mature trees surrounding the property. 2 story home w/ expansive outdoor patios & custom interior spaces w/ sophisticated use of wood & stone. 3 bd 3 ba plus office w/ custom a/v system…
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama knows the children feel a little neglected lately and our truly heart aches from your existential pain and celebrity real estate withdrawal. It really does. Especially because we recognize how y’all rip each other to shreds when we’re not around in an uglee–but occasionally entertaining–display of wordsmithing warfare. Here’s the thing puppies, despite appearances and contrary to popular opinion, Your Mama actually works for a living like ev-er-ee-bah-dee else and lately we’ve been swamped, bizzy and buried in the bizness that pays the big bills.
Besides, if we’re being honest, and we always are, properties being sold and bought by bonified rich and famous folks have been on the slim lately which means that some days we feel like we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel just to feed the children a celebrity real estate smidgen to satisfy their hungry souls. Be warned my little chickens that today we’ll be scraping at the bottom of said barrel. Your Mama well realizes that the home we’re discussing here is owned by a man that most the children have likely never heard of and perhaps don’t even care to know anything about but you’re just going to have to bear with us.
Okay then, let’s get to discussing the Malee-boo property owned by Los Angeles restaurateur Greg Finefrock. The children may not give a rat’s ass about who Mister Finefrock is or what he does that affords him a multi-million dollar crib hanging over the Pacific Ocean in Malee-boo, but because Your Mama relishes quietly rolling his Thackeray-esque and soo–blime surname over in our mind, we’re going to discuss the freshly re-done residence he’s flipping on Birdview Drive in the Point Dume area of Malee-boo.
Before we get to the dee-tales of the property, let’s shamelessly plug Mister Finefrock’s glitzy, glammy and hyper designed velvet rope dining and drinking establishments (Chapter 8 Steakhouse, P6 Restaurant and Lounge and Suki 7) which are located in the unlikely and somewhat sleepy suburban locales of Agoura Hills and Westlake Village. While Your Mama has no plans to ever (ever!) venture as far into the suburban hinterlands of Westlake Village in search of steak or Sushi, we think Mister Finefrock and his brother/bizness partner are smarter than fruit flies for bringing louche lounges and over-processed Las Vegas-style “restrauntainment” to all the well to do suburbanites sick and tired of schlepping into the Hollywood hot spots to see and be seen.
But we digress. Property records show that the San Fernando Valley born Mister Finefrock, only purchased this property in September of 2006. The records we accessed are a little vague, but if we were willing to hazard a guess that risks us looking like an ignorant ass, we’d say Mister Finefrock paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $6,400,000 for the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom house on Birdview Avenue.
A little birdie who knows a little something about Malee–boo’s bluff top Birdview Avenue told Your Mama that this is not the first time Mister Finefrock has attempted to unload this house. Only a year after purchasing the house and giving the interiors an overhaul, he dumped it back on the market with an asking price of $8,995,000. But alas, no takers for Mister Finefrock’s fine house. After a little re-tooling of the day-core that included adding a truck load of ghastly green and white leather sofas that look dangerous to sit on if you’re sweating or wearing satin, Mister Finefrock is once again listed the house for sale with a oddly increased asking price of $8,999,000. That time line and those numbers indicate to Your Mama that Mister Finefrock is flipping this house with the hope of pocketing a significant amount of money for the trouble of owning and renovating this house.
The house, which property records indicate is 1,696 square feet and which Your Mama thinks looks quite a bit larger, is located high on a bluff overlooking the Pacific. While we recognize that many filthy rich beach buyers would prefer to be able to stroll out the back door and put their tootsies right in the soft sand, Your Mama was recently chit chatting with a lucky gal who grew up on Malee–boo’s Broad Beach and she told us that while it was great to live on the beach, every couple of years a wicked and wayward wave would flood the lower floor of the house. If you’re rich it might only be a nuisance to have to fix the floors and hire a nice gay decorator to get you some new furniture, but given that kind of H2O drama that is too often a part of living right on the sand, we can see the benefits of being located high on a bluff.
The exterior of the house is a kind of wonky that borders on ass uglee and most of the day-core is over processed and looks too much like some sort of impossibly trendy boo-teek hotel or night club for Your Mama’s particular taste. However, that does not mean that all is lost. The second floor balcony juts out towards the bluff and ocean like the prow of a ship and we imagine that’s a sensational spot to get slowly and comfortably boozed up on a warm summer afternoon with a tall stack of gossip glossies.
The main living room space works for us with the high ceilings and gigantic windows looking out over the ocean. The wall of bookshelves gives the house a much needed intellectual fortitude and the modestly sized clean lined kitchen works well for us particularly since Your Mama is o-vah granite counter tops and this kitchen appears to have something else. We’re even digging that big chunky work island because it looks all wrong in a way that makes it all right in our book of design desirables.
The back yard includes a large low profile wrap around deck that we appreciate although we might recommend that Mister Finefrock purchase a few market umbrellas so that guests who prefer not to get skin cancer have a shaded place to sit outdoors. We’re a little unsure about that grid thing in the lawn. At first we though it might be a Philippe Starck–ish chess board folly with giant plastic rooks and queens, but upon closer examination and a look at a chess board, we realize it’s not actually set up like a chess board at all. It looks interesting, but it’s really got not use and as far as we’re concerned the backyard would be better without it.
In the last few years the Point Dume area has become increasing expensive and has attracted celebs and Tinseltown types like hot bodied Matthew McConnaughey, arty cinematographer Lance Acord, bad boy rock star Kid Rock and of course apparel king turned producer Sidney Kimmel plunked down a reported $48,000,000 to purchase Johnny Carson’s extensive cliff top estate in early 2007.
Now sit tight because Your Mama has to catch yet another airplane. This time back home to see our Dr. Cooter and the long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly who we expect will pee with glee at our return. And then of course there’s our pussy Sugar who, quite frankly, could care less whether Your Mama lives or dies.