SELLER: Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville
LOCATION: Calabasas, CA
SIZE: 6,610 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to The Rolling Stone we’ve learned that ack-tor Eddie Cibrian and his soon to be ex-wifey Brandi with and “i” Glanville have recently listed their Calabasas, CA residence with an asking price of $2,349,000.
Oh mercy, children, where does one begin with this Mister Cibrian person? Sure, he’s a tall drink of beefy water if you like a bulging manscaped chest and a booty so big and firm it looks like a couple of damn basketballs. But, let’s get serious here for a jiffy. After his tawdry extra marital affair with cuckolding country music super star LeeAnn Rimes that began while they were making film flop Northern Lights and the nasty name-calling and subsequent feuding with Brandi with an “i” that has been over-publicized in the tabs, do his professional achievements even matter?
Just in case any of y’all do care about his career as an small screen sexpot, Mister Cibrian began his boob-toob life in the mid 1990s as a–surprise!–a soap stud on The Young and the Restless and then later on Sunset Beach. He went on to regular roles on Third Watch, Vanished, and Ugly Betty. He currently works his “acting” stuff on CSI Miami. Your Mama does not know what Miss Brandi with an “i” does (or did) for a living but we do know she popped out two shorties with Mister Cibrian and in addition to working the stripper pole in the former couple’s master bedroom, we imagine she’s bizzy raising up them kids and, by some accounts, poisoning their little minds with negative references to their father.
Property records show the Mister and soon to be ex-Missus Cibrian paid $2,500,000 for their big tract house located in the gated Mountain View Estates community in January of 2008. This was shortly after they sold their previous house–an ass-uglee residential beast in Encino, CA–for $4,300,000 to controversial comic Carlos Mencia who is often accused–usually by comedian Joe Rogan–of stealing jokes. Anyhoo, Mister Mencia’s material aside, a quick consult with Your Mama’s bejeweled abacus reveals that Mister Cibrian and Miss Brandi with an “i” are looking at taking at least a $150,000 loss on this house and that’s before any of the fat real estate fees are paid.
Listing information indicates the 6,610 square foot quasi-Italianate includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 poopers including a master suite with fireplace, custom closets, beige wall to wall carpeting, two poopers and, the children will please note, a stripper pole mounted at the foot of the damn bed. Now that, my precious pets, is what klassy with a “k” is all about. But, of course, what else might one expect from a gal whose name is Brandi with an “i” and a man who (allegedly) made a bad habit of sleeping around on his wife? Listen babies, we’re all for folks getting down, dirty and fuh–reeky in the bedroom, but let Your Mama offer all you married ladeez a word to the wise: Iffin your man wants to install a stripper pole in your marital bedroom, you can be pretty damn sure he’s going to want to see scantily clad beehawtchas who are not you working that thing. Don’t believe Your Mama? Install a damn stripper pole and let us know what happens.
Anyhoo, the sort of Italianate, two-story suburban mansion has a tile roof, a soaring arch over the front porch and quoins. That’s right, quoins. Like in most of these ballooned up tract houses out in Calabasas, the front door opens into a grand, double-height, impress the guests style entrance hall with a black and white checkerboard pattern marble floor and a curving, Norma Desmond style staircase. We’re sure the children will skewer and lambaste Your Mama for saying this, but we rather like the floor. It’s classic, elegant and gives the house a dose of dignity.
To the left of the entry is the living room that has herringbone patterned wood floors, a coffered ceiling, fireplace with a limestone surround and some swagged red drapery that looks like something straight out of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. We’re also not pleased that someone thought it wise to put a pool table in the formal living room. It wasn’t. There is also a formal dining room and a very 1990s upper end tract house kitchen with white cabinetry, dark colored counter tops and a huge work island threatened by a pot rack loaded up with plants and a few itty bitty looking pots and pans.
The Cibrian’s back yard, which backs up to open space, is a classic suburban paradise if you like a classic suburban paradise. There is a dark bottomed swimming pool, surrounded by boulders and baby palms trees and waterfalls, a spa, a couple of covered seating areas, a built in barbecue center, and fruit trees. Who doesn’t love a tree of fruits?
According to the always impeccably well informed Lucy Spillerguts, Mister Cibrian has decamped for a 5 bedroom and 5.5 pooper Spanish style residence in the gated Mont Calabasas community. It appears to Your Mama that Mister Cibrian has leased the 4,709 square foot house that based on our wee bit o’ research was last listed with an asking price of $10,500 per month furnished.
Our sources indicate that Miss Rimes has relocated her Nashville area mansion–that she listed for sale in May of 2009 with an asking price of $7,450,000–to the star studded and guard gated community of Hidden Hills where since October she’s been shacked up in a horsey house with 5 bedrooms and 6 poopers that happens to be just down the street from the high priestess of the lezbeeuhn rocker chicks Melissa Etheridge and her wife, former actress Tammy Michaels. It does not appear that ex-Missus Sheremet purchased the property that was recently listed for purchase at $2,999,000 and for lease at $10,000 per month.
Given that Miz Rimes and Mister Cibrian are still humping around with each other and given that both of them are on their way to the court of dee-vorce in order to shed their respective spouses Your Mama certainly wouldn’t be surprised if one of these officially moves in with the other. The only question is will it be Hidden Hills or Calabasas? We shall see, we shall see.
photos: The Shevins / Prudential California Realty