BUYER: Sean Combs for Kim Porter
LOCATION: Toluca Lake, CA
SIZE: 9,655 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen butter sticks Your Mama’s a bit short on time today as we are settin’ at the airport waiting on a delayed plane for an unexpected trip to San Francisco where our boozy bff Fiona Trambeau fell down in the wee hours of the morning and can’t get up, at least not without some assistance. That’s really just a sort of nice way of saying beehawtcha has been on a bender and is nine kinds of blottoed, bombed and bungfued…again. Since Chow Lee’s bizzy raising babies in the Midwest and Falsetta Knockers is too busy grooming her cooch for tonight’s premiere party–Falsetta tends to shed her clothes as an evening wears on and likes to be primped proper down there–that means it’s up to Your Mama to bust up into Fiona’s studio apartment, squeeze her into one of her vulgar, spandex traveling costumes and get her newly enlarged breasts to some rehab or another…again.
Anyhoo, getting back to the real estate bidess at hand, sometime last year Your Mama heard from Ladonna Likestoblab that P-Diddy–or Diddle Fiddle or Puff ‘n Stuff or whatever damn dumb thing music mogul Sean Combs calls himself nowadays–went and bought one of his baby momma’s a big house in Toluca Lake, CA. However, like we usually do when it comes to Diddy Puffer–or whatever–Your Mama quickly let the information run out of our mind until yesterday when we received a lovely missive from our informant Lucy Spillerguts asking us if we knew about said purchase by Daddy Diddler–or whatever.
Our first task was to figure out which of Diddy Daddy’s three baby momma’s for whom the house was purchased and all signs point to his on again off again laddee friend Kim Porter who is the mother to three of Puff D’s 5 biological children.
Property records show the newly built, two-story, white clapboard Georgian style mansion was purchased in June of 2009 for $5,250,000. Your Mama, clever thing that we are, managed to squirrel some listing and marketing information out of the interweb that indicates the mansion measures 9,655 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms, 6.5 poopers, a glitzy entrance hall with black and white checked marble floor, formal living room, dining room with a temperature controlled wine room, screening room, library, gym, eat-in kitchen with Viking brand appliances and adjacent family room with fireplace. We can’t be bothered to discuss the day-core in the listing photos since it was clearly installed by Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota.
The walled and fully landscaped grounds include a gated driveway, large motor court and three car garage, a covered loggia on the ground floor and a huge sun terrace overlooking the back yard on the second floor, a built-in barbecue center with Viking brand griller, a pergola shaded outdoor living room with outdoor fireplace, large flat expanses of unnaturally green lawn that is studded with flagstones near the heated in-ground swimming pool and spa.
Listen up bunnies, before any of you silly children who think it would be cute to hop in your hoopdies and head on over to Toluca Lake for a little celebrity spotting, Your Mama recommends that y’all keep in mind that the electronically gated estate is likely to be equipped with the finest, most expensive and scariest security and surveillance systems known to man including cameras for filming your ass as you scoot slowly by.
Diddle Puff’s baby momma’s house happens to be located in what is arguably the best section of Toluca Lake where other residents include Billy Ray Cyrus and all his wannabe famous children, Bob Hope’s 101 year old widda Dolores–whose birfday is today, so happy birfday Dolores–and comedian du jour Steve Carell
Diddy Daddy–whose been known to refer to himself as Ciroc Obama lately after the Vodka he shills and the president of the United States–had been living up in a leased house on St. Ives Drive above the Sunset Strip, but it’s Your Mama’s understanding his done left those premises.