SELLER: Carly Simon
LOCATION: Commerce Street, New York, NY
SIZE: 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Famous celebrity’s 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom duplex in a townhouse renovated to perfection. Upstairs–Bedroom, bath, sitting room; Downstairs–Bedroom, bath, living room, modern kitchen with top of the line appliances, through wall air, 2 working fireplaces. Beautifully decoarated–utterly romantic, one of a kind on the prettiest street in the West Village.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Way back in the Dark Ages when Your Mama was a still a fresh faced upstart muhtrick-u-latin‘ and living on our mama’s generous dime, we endured a sleep talking and opera singing house mate who was neither tiny nor named Tim but for the purposes of our discussion we’ll call Tiny Tim anyway. Our little Tiny Tim, a man whom Your Mama referred to privately as Meester Rrreeko Swa–vay, had a serious and decidedly dangerous desideratum for draping and swagging yard after yard of teal, paisley and peach colored fabric. Oh yes he did children. Tiny Tim stretched and twisted his foul colored cloth over the windows, across the dressers and looped it up and around the damn bed.
Added to that fabric freak show was a candelabra (natch), a couple of gilded angel figurines (we don’t lie children) and dozens of candles that Tiny Tim laid on every flat surface in the room and within inches of all that flammable fabric. He may have only been 22 (or maybe he was 24), but he was convinced his ridiculous “romantic” day-core would woo the pants off his fair haired dates. And much to our mortification and chagrin, Tiny Tim was right. The man was an undeniable (and rather loud) Casanova.
None the less, Your Mama should not have to tell the children that the whole scene in Tiny Tim’s Lair of Luv so upset our delicate sensibilities that we had no choice but to move out. Not only did our brow furrow and our lips pucker with deep dismay from just knowing all those yards of revolting textile were hanging unnecessarily about, it scared the buhjeezis right out of us knowing that Tiny Tim was thisclose to setting the damn house ablaze while his eyes rolled back in fornication induced bliss.
Well children, all these hundreds of years later we have found Tiny Tim’s spiritual mother of the draped fabric and it is Carly Simon. The accomplished and beloved singer/songwriter has earned an Academy Award, a Golden Globe and two damn Grammys. She’s also earned her self an honorary slot in Your Mama’s Unsettling and Senseless Fabric Swagging Hall of Fame.
Okay, maybe it’s not as bad as all that and we’re just having a dramatic moment, but the children will note the red swagged curtains in the living room with the funeral home parlor balloon sheers, that sage green thing-a-majig draped over the stool in the bedroom and who could possibly miss all that silky and shiny shit twisted onto the four poster bed? Perhaps it is all to distract from that sad air conditioner hanging out in an odd spot on the wall?
Anyhoo, last week we learned from Braden Keil at the NY Post that Miz Simon’s West Village pied a terre hit the market with a somewhat surprisingly high asking price of $3,850,000. The two bedroom and two bathroom duplex spreads over a reported 1,2000 square feet and occupies two floors of a fully renovated Federal style townhouse on comely and cozy Commerce Street, which listing information fairly accurately describes as, “the prettiest street in the West Village.”
Property records and reports indicate that after Miz Simon purchased her urban getaway in early 2004 for around $1,200,000, she gut renovated the unit. She then bee-lined for the fabric district in the West 30s to buy up bolt after bolt of fabric only a gypsy could love.
Obviously Your Mama is not down with the textile situation or the exposed brick or that faux paint crap behind the bath tub. And obviously we are puzzled, perplexed and outraged by the giant bath tub sitting out in the middle of the damn room and next to a pee-ana in the second floor sitting room. However, that does not mean we are unable to see the charm and possibilities with this place. This could be perfect for as a pied a terre for a screaming rich and famous type looking for a pricey pad to which they can stumble home after a long night at Tortilla Flats or the nearby celebrity drinking hole The Waverly Inn. Don’t the television viewing children think this might be a fine love nest for Blake Lively and Penn Badgley from that Gossip Girl program? Mmmhmmm, we do too.
Anyhoodle, Your Mama also appreciates that the two bedrooms are on different floors and that each has its own private pooper, always a good thing. The two functioning fireplaces work for us–we do, after all, have an itty bitty bit of the romantical in our cold heart–and although it’s not exactly our Barbie Dream Kitchen, we feel good about the open shelves for displaying the dinnerware and gorgeous gew–gaws from Moss. We totally love how the architect made efficient and clever use of space under the stairs for knick knacks, cook books and other assorted kitchen items even if it does look a wee “architecturally” self conscious.
Don’t anybody misunderstand Your Mama here. We love us some Carly Simon and have at least six and maybe 12 of her songs on our iPod rotation at all times. And although we tease and make fun of her fetish for fabric, Your Mama actually appreciates that her apartment is a clear and accurate reflection of its owner and her eclectic taste and style. So while we might not like her day-core, we sincerely appreciate that she works her own thing when it comes to putting her home together. Her day-core is much like herself, original, quirky and endearing for its flaws.
In a naked display of real estate nepotism, Miz Simon–who lives mostly in bucolic, beachy and high-wasp Martha’s Vineyard–chose her successful real estate agent sister to list and market the property. Your Mama wonders if Sister Simon is giving a Miz Carly a break on the commish.