Ooo-wee children. Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that pop star/movie star turned stay at home mommy Jennifer Lopez is all kinds of pissed because, until now, she’s been the reigning queen of high maintenance a-list celebs living on the natty and nabobish North Shore of Long Island. That’s right puppies, Missus Mark Anthony’s real estate star is about to be eclipsed by the pathologically peripatetic Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who are rumored to be moving their ever expanding multi-culti clan to her neck of the woods for a few months while the Missus Pitt shoots her next film Edwin A. Salt in the area.
Rumors and reports are popping up all over the damn place that the itchy footed family who have been living an expat life in France and Germany the last year or so is headed back to the U-nited States of America where they’re said to have leased Sassafras, a tremendous Tudor style pile on 48 waterfront acres in fancy schmancy Lloyd Neck, NY.
The sprawling estate abuts Caumsett State Park which, thanks to The Social Butterfly we’ve learned, was once the vast estate of newspaperman and department store scion Marshall Field III. The two story main house is said to measure in at a boo-teek hotel sized 22,000 square feet and includes 8 bedrooms. According to the good people at Luxist, there is also a six bedroom guest house and a staff house with another 11 bedrooms. That should be just enough space for the Jolie-Pitts, their 49 children and their ubiquitous entourage of tutors, nannies, personal assistants, ego strokers and butt wipers, right?
With 25 bedrooms and well over 25,000 square feet of interior space, Your Mama does not even want to know the number of terlits on the property lest we start feeling powerful sorry for the sad minimum wage gurl who spends her 40 hours a week with a terlit brush in one hand a can of Comet in the other. Have mercy.
Other dee-luxe amenities of Sassafras include a private cove with a private dock, a long stretch of private beach, not just one, but two helipads, a gigantic swimming pool with several pavilions surrounding it, a couple of ponds, a a secluded tennis court, a couple of large greenhouses, and enough lawn for the Jolie-Pitt clan to host a damn three ring circus. Oh wait, they are a three ring circus.
Sassafras was previously on the market where it lingered for a number of years with a sky high asking price of $60,000,000. No babies, that is not a mistake…that’s sixy million clams.
Now listen to Your Mama here children because we know of what we speak. All those filthy rich blue bloods in Lloyd Neck would sooner slice off your mother’s titties than have you roaming the streets and hovering around the secured gates of Sassafras. At the very least they will have the po–po on your peeping pooper faster than you can say the names of all 37 of the Jolie-Pitt children. And you can bet there will be some scary looking guards with pistols and God only knows what else standing at the end of the driveway to deter any fools who dare venture that far out into the genteel wilds of Lloyd Neck. Besides, there ain’t nuthin‘ to see from the street so save yerself the gas money and stay home.
And one more word of unsolicited advice from Your Mama for Mister and Missus Jolie-Pitt: Settle down hunnies. We know you’re bizzy as beavers with your Academy Award nominated careers and we know you get hassled and harrassed everywhere you go. However, did you ever stop to think that that traveling United Nations sideshow you got going on sorta creates its own whirlwind of chaos and publicity? Maybe, just maybe, iffin you would put down some real damn residential roots and take the time to become an active part of just one community, you might find that soon enough people will leave you alone to mow your lawn and clean your pool in peace. Just a thought.