OWNER: Mark Burnett
LOCATION: Malibu Road, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $80,000/month (summer season)
SIZE: 3,375 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A feast of extraordinary craftsmanship and taste on prestigious Malibu Road. This beautifully furnishes home features hand chiseled beams and cabinetry, old world wood flooring, walls of stone, bi-fold doors opening to the ocean, large media room, state of the art electronic, water walls, custom fixtures and lighting, courtyard living room with fireplace, romantic master suite with fireplace, private patio, sitting room and stunning master bathroom, spa and sauna.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago Your Mama recommended all you people who rent high priced summer homes in Malee-boo hurry up and hop in your hoopdies and head on up the PCH to secure your summer digs before all the folks with more money and time on their hands snap up all the good properties leaving you with only the moldy, barnacle encrusted shitty shacks sitting on a pile of rocks with no beach.
Have no fear all you filthy rich and procrastinating Angelenos itching to stand on the back deck and scope out ol’ Paris Hilton as she prances in a pair of size 11 flip flops or watch that Heidi Montag gurl make a bikini-clad fool of herself on the beach, high priced rentals continue to pop up on the market and several are yet to be rented. The fine folks at The Malibu Real Estate Blog recently posted an article which indicated that there are at least five available properties in the $80-100,000+/month price range in the guard gated Malibu Colony and along the sandy stretch of beach on Malibu Road alone, grab your fat checkbooks and GO! because Your Mama will not accept any invitations to some cheap ass rental you had to take because you were too damn lazy too git out to Malee-boo in February to locate a good house.
Property records reveal that one of the ocean front properties currently available to lease in that sky-high price range is owned by Emmy winning reality television super producer Mark Burnett (Survivor, The Apprentice, Are Your Smarter Than a 5th Grader?). If the children use their noodles, they may recall that Mister Burnett is betrothed to Touched By An Angel ack-tress Roma Downey, who has put up an ocean front home she owns in the Malibu Colony celebrity enclave up for lease at $100,000/month for the summer season.
As it turns out, these two real estate rich Hollywood types are able to lease out two prime ocean front properties rather than use the houses themselves because they are lucky and rich enough to live in yet another ocean front estate on the cliffs hovering over posh Paradise Cove that Mister Burnett bought fully furnished in April of 2005 from hoity toity house flipper Sandy Gallin for more than $25,000,000. We hear from the always snappy Kenny Kissentell that the house sits so high on the bluff that these two drive a golf cart down a grassy path to the beach.
Anyhoo, property records reveal that Mister Burnett purchased this house on desirable Malibu Road in April of 2004. It is unclear to Your Mama if the Tinseltown titan ever used the house himself or if it was simply an investment. Listing information and property records show the house measures in at a modest but decent 3,375 square feet and has 3 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms, a bed-to-bath ratio that gives the Dr. Cooter goosebumps of joy but causes our house gurl Svetlana to quiver with anger calculating just how much time she’ll have to spend on her hands and knees with her head in a terlit rather than sunbathing on the back deck.
The three story “contemporary” residence features a courtyard entrance with a fireplace, which could be nice for those nipply evenings when the wind kicks up off the ocean, and many of the rooms lead to ocean side decks or, like the family room on the lower level, small terraces tucked away from the eyesight of the beach combers and paparazzi that have taken to roaming the sands of Malee-boo hoping to catch a glimpse of one of the Duff sisters sunbathing topless or smoking a fattie with the behemoth balled musician Cisco.
If we’re being honest kids, and we always try to be, we do not like this house with it’s angular and funky roof lines unhappily married to that turret thing at the front of the house, and while we know almost nothing about ancient Chinese secrets, there just can’t be anything harmonious about the Feng Shui of the ocean side elevation. Although we do love a white slip covered sofa almost as much as we love our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, we don’t love half a dozen or more all shoved into one room, and we’re certainly not keen on the overall Shabby Chic invites the Dalai Lama to dinner day-core.
The good news is that Malibu Road is less trafficked and thus less noisy than the PCH, the views are undeniably lovely, there are flat screen TVs mounted on the walls in ev-er-ee room (which is a real bonus for reality TV junkies like Your Mama), and unlike some other stretches of ocean front homes in Malee-boo, the neighbors on this section of Malibu Road are less likely to have 24-hour armed security who will question your guests and insist they move their Range Rover back four inches so the bumper won’t hang over the property line of their high profile employer.
Your Mama already knows that a good number of you are gonna whine about the ridiculousness of spending so much money for so little space (blah blah blah), and most of you interior design know it alls will not like this house any more than we do. So the question is not what’s wrong with the house, but rather, who do you think should cough up the big bucks to rent the place? We’re going to say Jaime Pressly, who loves Buddha day-core, but might not have the extra money to lease a beach house until she manages to unload that place of hers in Tarzana.