RENTER: Kevin Federline
LOCATION: Summit Ridge Circle, Chatsworth, CA
SIZE: 6,673 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Majestic NEW CONSTRUCTION! Custom estate in the prestigious guard-gated community of Summit Ridge. Travertine marble with inlaids, mahogany wood floors, high quality carpet, gorgeous crown moldings and wall details throughout the house. Custom gourmet kitchen with stunning granite counters, stainless steel top-of-the-line appliances, beg center island with sink & wine refrigerator, large pantry with shelves. Office/library adjacent to beautiful Family Room. Huge Master Bedroom with panoramic views, fireplace, professionally designed closet, conversation area and adjacent balcony. Master bathroom with separate shower, jacuzzi tub and his/her vanities. GAME ROOM/GYM with elegant BAR & STEAM SAUNA. Gorgeous THEATRE/MEDIA ROOM prewired for surround sound system. BEAUTIFUL FINISHED WINE CELLAR. Intercom in all room. Three zone Heating/AC system. State of the art central vacuum. Waterless water heaters!
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A number of gossip blogs and fan sites have recently reported that Britney Spears’ former huzband and baby daddy Kevin Federline vacated the suburban mansion he was renting in Tarzana, CA and decamped to a new suburban mansion in Chatsworth, CA. (Yes, butter beans, strange as it may sound, Kevin Federline has fan sites.) Although Chatsworth is widely considered to be the unofficial capital of the pornography industry, we don’t imagine that had anything to do with the Fed-Ex’s decision to pack up the Federtots and set up household deep in the San Fernando Valley.
Listen chickens, but for his brief betrothal to the once wild and crazy pop super star Britney Spears, we find Mister Federline about as appealing as doing our damn taxes. However, believe it or not, Your Mama has received an uncommonly large number of inquiries asking for a few tidbits about Fatty Federline’s new digs. We’ve resisted all the pleading and prodding for quite some time but, alas, we are only human and came to the ugly conclusion that resistance is futile. It seems the only way to make all those folks interested in the doings of Mister Federline stop asking Your Mama about the doings of Mister Federline was, at risk of our own psychic peril, to discuss the real estate doings of Mister Federline. So, we will. However, we’re gonna keep it short iffin we can and we’re gonna imbibe booze at a rapid rate while tapping our fingers to the nubbins in an effort to remain sane while diving deep into the depths of quasi-celebrity real estate hell.
Mister Federline’s need to live behind gates is obvious and according to previous reports and listing information we managed to dig up, Mister Federline’s new crib occupies a hillside lot in an small, expensive and gated community in Chatsworth called Summit Ridge. The property in question was put up for sale in early 2008 with an asking price of $2,299,000 but after a peep into property records it does not appear to Your Mama that Mister Federline purchased the 6,673 square foot hot mess. With the help of Babbling Babette, we managed to dig up some information on the property that indicates the 5 bedroom and 6 pooper property had also been available for lease with an asking price of $7,900 per month. Your Mama presumes, but does not know for sure, that Mister Federline is leasing the property, probably for less than $7,900 but no doubt still four times more than someone would have to pay Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter to live up in this house with its bland and not quite symmetrical front facade.
We can’t be bothered to discuss each of the rooms in the house because it would be far too depressing and we can’t be troubled to tear apart the impressively banal interiors which, not surprisingly, have been all did up in that distressing and beige suburban tract house style we’ve come to associate with big and expensive but not particularly well designed properties in planned developments not just in Los Angeles but all around the good ol‘ U.S. of A. And do not even get Your Mama going on the wacky mantel in the living room or those two cabinets in the game room haphazardly stuck up on the wall or that horrifying blue carpeting in the “theatre/media room” that’s woven with images of popcorn and film reels and makes Your Mama want to run needles through our eyeballs. Have mercy.
We expect more of this house will be seen on Mister Federline’s upcoming reality show which may or may not have something to do with him raising up his kids and trying to lose the excess weight he’s packed on since getting a dee–vorce from his Mrs. Gravy Train. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will watch just about any reality program once but we can assure you Mister Federline’s show will never flicker across our boob-toob because, frankly, we could care less about watching him golf, diet, bicker with his athletic gurlfriend, endorse weight loss products, raise his kids (even if they are Britney Spears’ children) or do anything else for that matter.
None the less, we sincerely wish Mister Federline all the best. We all have to scratch out a living the best way we can and from the sound of things he’s hauling in a lot more bank than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter (who is a doctah for love of jeezis), so bully for him. Now then, we got scalding shower and a fat nerve pill calling our name asking us to forget about everything we just discussed. We suggest y’all do the same.