BUYER: Kellie Pickler
LOCATION: Nashville, TN
SIZE: 4,865 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Plucky country music starlet Kellie Pickler recently got a kicky new hair cut and thanks to Nashville Ned, we’ve recently learned that she’s also got a new nest in Nashville, TN. Many of the children will recall that Little Miss Pickler, who is about as country as cornbread, came in 6th place on the 5th season of American Idol. That was about two seasons after Your Mama stopped watching all those talented but tedious singers mutilate songs by Joanie Mitchell and Elton John, so what little we know about Little Miss Pickler comes mostly from what we’ve read in the gossip glossies and dug up on the interweb.
It seems that Little Miss Pickler has gone through quite a transformation since appearing on American Idol, when she giddy-upped on stage as a sweet and unsophisticated young gurl with a ditzy demeanor who mispronounced words and who–by most accounts–came off like a lovably but nearly illiterate country bumpkin. She was Ellie May Clampett in a pair of high heels and glamour make-up. Since then, with the encouragement of her fellow American Idol pal Carrie Underwood and much to the chagrin of the beef industry, she went vegetarian, dated Kid Rock, and goosed up her appearance with fancy dee–ziner duds and enough (alleged) plastic surgery that she looks to Your Mama more like Tanya Tucker than the snaggle-toothed varmint she was when she first showed up on the boob-toob.
As aw-shucks and under educated seeming as Little Miss Pickler may be to all us edumuhcated lefty liberal elitist types, Your Mama sort of doubts the hilly billy turned hottie is quite as feeble minded as she sometimes appears. (Remember that jaw dropping appearance on Are Your Smarter Than a 5th Grader when L.M.P. said she’d never heard of Budapest and didn’t think France is a country but did think Europe is?) Let’s be honest chickens, if being a dumb as a box of giggling hair means pulling yerself up by your thrift store shoes, overcoming a seriously screwed up family life, charming the pants off Simon Cowell, churning out gold records and buying a $1,435,000 house when you’re just 24 years old, well then we should all be so damn dim-witted, shouldn’t we? As far as Your Mama is concerned, Little Miss Picker is laughing her country ass all the way to the bank and and good for her. Besides, whatever y’all may think of her, she is, my wee ones, the very epitome of at least one kind of American dream.
Anyhoo, property records and a previous report or two reveal that in mid-January of 2010 Little Miss Pickler closed on a a newly built house in the upscale Green Hills area of Nashville for which she forked over $1,435,000. Little Miss Pickler’s new digs are located in what appears to be a neighborhood of mostly modest ranches and brick fronted capes that are, one by one, being replaced by capacious contempo–trads with impress the guest style driveways and SUV sized side facing garages. Listing information indicates Little Miss Pickler’s two story contempo-trad sits on a leafy .46 acre lot, measures 4,865 square feet and contains 4 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers including a first floor master bedroom with wood floors, a wood beamed ceiling with the puniest wood beams we’ve ever seen, a way too beige tile and granite master pooper with twin vanities, a large soaking tub, a terlit room and and a commodious walk-in closet where she can stash all her red high heels.
The stone-faced residence is approached via a curving path from the parking pad to a small covered porch. The tall and narrow looking front door opens to an entrance hall where the hard wood floors have been laid at a 45-degree angle to the walls. This angular affectation is all well and good except that the hardwood floors in the dining room and “great room” areas are not laid at the same angle. We’re sure this was done in order to visually delineate the foyer from the living spaces, but it just makes Your Mama feel like the floor people made a mistake. What might have been a lot more effective, in our humble and meaningless opinion, would have been to lay all the wood in the same direction and drop the floor of the dining room and “great room” areas by a couple of steps.
The “great room” space is comprised of a “formal” dining area, situated at the front of the house with a wood-lined barrel vaulted ceiling, a living room area that has a double height ceiling and stone fireplace that rises two floors between built in book shelves, and the kitchen. In Your Mama’s humble and meaningless opinion, the floor people made another mistake by not extending the hardwood flooring in the “great room” in to the kitchen. Instead we get this harsh and visually disruptive switch from wood to whatever that beige stuff on the floor is. The kitchen, while far too suburban tract house for our particularly fussy taste is well equipped with a lot of Viking brand appliances, sand colored granite counter tops and cherry wood cabinetry.
The second floor can be accessed by the staircase or–for the lazy and the differently-abled–by an elevator. In addition to the 3 family/guest bedrooms that each have their own pooper, the second floor contains a study/office area that overlooks the “great room.” Little Miss Pickler’s new pad also has a ginormous Blu-Ray equipped media room with sand colored carpeting, a wide screen tee-vee, wet bar and a pair of ceiling fans. Ceiling fans. Uhm, no. Your Mama thinks it’s going to take the deft and skilled hand of a very good gay decorator to turn that media room into a space that does not look like it was once a garage because, as far as we’re concerned, it looks like a converted garage.
At the back of the “great room” wood framed sliding doors open to a huge screen porch with slate and stone flooring, a raised ceiling with beams and wood slat insets, and a fireplace that is all but identical to the the one in the “great room.” The builder again made a mistake with the flooring, opting for that two-toned bizness rather than just doing up the floor in just one of the materials. The screen porch opens to a small terrace with a built in barbecue center that sits a few steps up from the swimming pool area that is surrounded by mature shade trees that will, mostly and should she desire, provide Little Miss Pickler the privacy required for her to sun her buns and bake her bare breests in the sun without causing a ruckus in the neighborhood.
Your Mama cain’t hum a single song sung by Little Miss Pickler and we don’t expect that we ever will be able to, but there’s none the less something we like about her and her seemingly naive country ways. We wish her a happy new home but do hope she’ll do something about the myriad of floor issues in her new house.