For as jaded as Yolanda has become when it comes to those divorced-from-reality Platinum Triangle real estate sale prices, we gotta say that even we were shocked — nay, flabbergasted — when we caught wind of this latest big ticket sale. Lately these rich folks just seem to have gone from plum crazy to real blasted bloomin’ nutcases.
When this big new spec mansion clunked its way onto the market, we took a glance at the photos and thought to ourselves “well, there’s another flavor-of-the-minute beast that’s overpriced by 100% or more.” Indeed, kiddies, we (foolishly) never imagined for a millisecond that some blasted dolt would come along and pay more than $20 million for this thing, which in our (useless) opinion looks real crappy and isn’t even in the best area, really.
Boy, were we wrong! Yeah, as usual.
Along came Variety‘s Our Mama, who last week whispered to us that the ridiculously-overpriced monstrosity had gone and sold for an utterly ludicrous sum. Yolanda checked property records, and much to our shock and awe, the wart did indeed quietly transfer for a stupendous $38,500,000 on the last day of March (2017). And then the final piece of the koo-koo puzzle fell into place when our other bestie Little BoPeep bleated out that the new owner was a billionaire foreigner named Sir Tom Hunter.
Our Sir Hunter hails from the faraway Scotland land, and some years ago he achieved considerable fame as (purportedly) being his homeland’s first self-made billionaire. A brief perusal of Sir Hunter’s biography (thanks, Wikipedia!) reveals that the 55-year-old made his first fortune through his athletic retail chain Sports Division, which was sold in 1998 for several hundred million pounds.
These days Sir Hunter seems to toil as a major philanthropist and and an investment guru via his West Coast Capital corporation. Through this private equity vehicle, Sir Hunter holds or held major stakes in a variety of major retail chains, most of them based in Europe.
Now, y’all, at the risk of sounding xenophobic (we really ain’t) Yolanda was not at all shocked that the big bucks buyer was a foreigner. Not that there aren’t plenty of super-rich Americans who can afford a $38.5 million house. Trust us, there are. But only a foreigner would pay such a ridiculous sum for a spec house that ain’t really even in a good area of Beverly Hills or Beverly Hills Post Office or whatever.
You see, pumpkins, this house is located in a nice but hardly A-list neighborhood of the B.H.P.O. called the Crest Streets. (Because all the streets have names that end in -crest, duh. Gilcrest, Paulcrest, etc). The neighborhood is pricey and has its fair share of well-known folks — Microsoft’s Paul Allen among them — but in Yolanda’s opinion the area is a bit too difficult to access and the lots are a bit too cramped to ever be truly ne plus ultra.
Needless to say, this $38,500,000 sale price is far and away the most ever paid for a property in the neighborhood.
As is typical of many homes in this tightly-packed community, the residence sits rather hard-up on the street. Still, it’s on an unusually large lot — a full acre, not all of which is usable — so the 15,000-square-foot house is quite long and rambling. It was built, so the story goes, by a developer named John Saca and it’s got the requisite gated driveway and compact motorcourt plus a rather nifty (teak wood?) front door. And an Aston Martin Vanquish out front (probably not included in the purchase price).
Indoors the house tries to wow with the typical floor to ceiling windows and double-height ceilings. The materials are certainly high-end, with marble and exotic woods from the Burmese rainforests or something like that, but overall the presentation leaves us feeling rather cold. What’s with that ugly beam bisecting the window. That bar on the kitchen island looks tacked-on and just plain weird. And Yolanda certainly does not want to sit on a stump.
The theater is certainly impressive — one of the largest we’ve ever seen in a private home, honestly. And the views from the master bath are lovely if not exactly thrilling (despite the eastward vistas, the home does not have a great angle on the Downtown LA skyline).
Here are some more cathedral-like living spaces.
The exterior of the home resembles a rambling boutique hotel, with a 210-foot infinity pool connecting the two major “wings” of the property. Looks vaguely like some sort of supersonic jet when it’s all lit up at night, no?
Also connecting the two wings of the property is an 850-foot “art gallery” with paintings by Picasso and Warhol — all of which were for sale. But not included in the $48 million purchase price. Why? Because folks are crazy!
The master suite is decidedly opulent. The wine cellar is fabulous and the we can guarantee the pizza delivery man will be wowed by this house. But if you ask a persnickety old hag like Yolanda, this place is a dump. Yeah, we said it. It already looks dated and there’s no way Sir Hunter will ever make a profit on this. So there — it’s in writing. Care to prove Yolanda wrong, Sir?
One more thing. What the heck is with that outdoor bathtub with its chrome (?) fixtures. Good golly, it must be a pain to keep that thing clean! We suppose that’s the servants’ problem, of course, but are we really gonna pretend that it’s okay for some rich old fart to make the hired help toil away scrubbin’ just because he has a fancy for some outdoor bathtub nudity? Hell no! Listen, Sir Hunter, you seem like a cool dude and Yolanda really means no offense, but kick that thing to the curb straightaway. Pretty please?
You ungrateful bastard!
Listing agents: Jesse Lally, Branden Williams, Rayni Romito; Hilton & Hyland