Don’t Mess With My Moon Juice™

A MESSAGE FROM OUR INVESTORS: Listen beotches, we’re aware this blog is a big hot mess at the moment. We’re working on fixing that font up top, updating the gallery, and adding a whole bunch of frightfully exciting features for all you lurkers. Thank you for your patience with this ol’ Yolanda slag.

Okay, so we know this one is a bit old. The sale actually happened way, way back in February of 2015. But we’re gonna discuss it anyway because the owner’s celebrity status is on the rise. Big time.

Yeah, she really exploded in the last couple months, actually. And our very own High Priestess Goopneth Paltrow has repeatedly endorsed her, so you know she’s gotta be legit. Oh brother. We’re talking about Amanda Chantal Bacon, of course. In case you’re unaware, she’s pretty much the official CEO of the juicing craze that’s taken LA by storm. She’s also been cruelly mocked online.  It’s sad, but all those other news sites have recently published some really mean stories heavily criticizing Miss Bacon’s diet and products. They’ve been mercilessly bullying the poor gal. Heartless bastards.

So now it’s Yolanda’s turn to take a cheap shot. Pow!

But hold on. Before we trash Miss Bacon, we thought it would be best to show some integrity and try her crap. Yolanda is a real damn professional journalist, after all. Miss Bacon has one shop in Venice and another in Silver Lake. Yolanda doesn’t do Venice (way too many unwashed hipsters and tourists) so your gurl squeezed her booty in the Benz and made the trek out to Silver Lake. They have a lot of hipsters too but at least they’re right next to Los Feliz, an area we adore. We’d hop on over to Los Feliz every day if we could think up a decent excuse.

So we got there and were assisted by a faintly-snooty sales gal who recommended a bottle of “Goodness Greens”. We also picked up a bottle of the “Blue Moon Milk” because we like the color. Altogether, our two little bottles set us back more than $20. Well hot damn. Miss Bacon likes her green in her wallet, too! The moon milk was decent, but like any other coconut-flavored milk we’ve ever tasted. Likewise, the green juice tasted like any green juice we’ve ever picked off the rack at Pavilions for a fraction of the price.

Let’s also give you a little background on Miss Bacon. Originally hailing from New York City (where her parents still reside), Miss Bacon moved to LA sometime in the mid-to-late aughts and began a relationship with a lady named Molly Schiot. We’re not sure when that relationship swirled down the Tinseltown toilet of love, but by early 2012, right when she was opening her first Moon Juice shop, Miss Bacon was preggers and buying a pricey house in Venice to shack up with her baby daddy (gallery owner Joshua Kritzer). The couple split soon after their son Rohan was born and Miss Bacon, now in her early thirties, reportedly has returned to lady-lovin’ with a photographer gal named Tasya Van Ree. It’s a new world, kids. Clearly.

Last year, Miss Bacon chronicled her daily feeding regimen to Elle. Actually, we’re not sure if she eats this bullshit, snorts it, or sticks it up her… well, you know. Listen as she guides us through a day in her life.

“I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

What a coincidence! Yolanda does all that crap too. But Miss Bacon, what happens if you can’t find a nice copper cup for your silver needle? We’d be half tempted to break into your pad and steal her cups if we could only be a fly on the wall in the morn when she wakes up and loses her shit. And Kundalini meditation? Is that something you do butt-ass-nakey on your head with your legs spread and your coochie flappin’ in the breeze? No, seriously. We don’t know. Yolanda’s just guessing here.

“I had an early, pre-yoga dinner at Shima in Abbot Kinney, which is my 3-year-old’s favorite restaurant.”

Oh bitch please. You know damn well your kid is screaming for a nice, juicy In-N-Out double-double while you drag him into your favorite mess.

“If I’m home around 3pm, I always reach for coconut yogurt with cardamom, dried figs, walnuts, and apricots from a weekend farm visit—and a chunk of raw dark chocolate. I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.”

Okay this might be a little (a lot) gross, but aside from the obvious questions (Maca? Why the hell are you eating an endangered species?) don’t you just wonder what this chick’s farts smell like? Camomile and angel’s breath mixed with assorted botanical extracts and a hint of lilac, we’re guessing.

Isn’t it just a little bit deliciously ironic that someone with a surname “Bacon” eats like this? No? And yes, we know our humor is far too juvenile for a classy lady like we are. Whatever.

As usual, we digress. Miss Bacon’s residence – located in the hippie-friendly “Rustic Canyon” neighborhood of Pacific Palisades that’s somehow simultaneously centrally located but distinctly isolated – was originally built in 1959. It was renovated in the mid-80’s by the legendary Frank “Don’t Call Me A Starchitect” Gehry, who added a distinct and distinctly odd pop-out metal addition to the front of the residence. It’s worth noting that the listing for the house not only fails to feature any exterior photos of the addition (except for the far-off shot in the above-left photo), it also does not mention Gehry at all. Yolanda finds the omission significant, but what do we know. Listing info also does not specify square footage but property records indicate the house has just under 3,800 with 5 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms and sits on just over a half-acre of hillside. There’s a cute little deck up on the hillside above the house.

It’s worth noting that the seller – Jennifer Nicholson – happens to be the eldest child of wackadoodle Hollywood legend Jack Nicholson.

Lustrous honey-hued and darker woods mixed together everywhere enhances the rustic theme. Ms. Nicholson has a lot of knick knacks packed into this place, doesn’t she?

Some of the furniture is a bit too eclectic/baroque for our personal taste, but we love homes showing a dash of style instead of that white-washed, over-staged look we see all too often. A dramatic beamed ceiling really sets off the library/great room upstairs, which comes equipped with a lovely wet bar. L’chaim!

Much to Yolanda’s surprise, the house does not appear to have a proper master bedroom. Instead, it appears the previous owners used the rather petite Gehry-added room as the master. The master bath is also fairly small but ornately detailed.

Although the original listing did not flaunt the Gehry addition, Miss Bacon apparently quite likes it. She’s continued to use the room as the master and showed off photos of her redone decor to the Wintour herself.

A quick comparison to the listing photos shows that Miss Bacon has cleaned up the kitchen in a surprisingly tasteful manner. We say “surprisingly” because we were expecting to see little Buddhas or some of those new-age “believe in yourself” slogans painted on walls. There’s also, completely bizarrely, a teepee sitting right the heck in middle of everything. Miss Bacon says it’s where her son likes to play. Okay, that’s cute. Although Yolanda wonders why that’s not in his room or in a more comfortable place. Somehow we think this is where Miss Bacon does her bogus chants and shit at 6:30 am.

But enough of the toilet humor. Property records reveal Miss Bacon paid an eyebrow-raising $4,500,000 for the house above last year. That’s a lot of money for a young single mom who only founded her Moon Juice business three years ago, is it not? Where does she get all that cash? Miss Bacon likes to present herself as a hardscrabble businesswoman, doin’ the hard-knock life solo. “I’ve been labeled … that I shouldn’t be considered a business-person because I have a very rich husband who paid for all of this (when I’ve never been married, and don’t even get child support).” she lamented recently.

Well, kids, like everything about Moon Juice there might be truth to that statement but it’s also purposely deceptive. We think the reason Miss Bacon doesn’t get child support (and can still afford a full-time nanny and a brand-new Beamer, natch) is because her fam is loaded. Her mother, Chantal Bacon, was the 30-year CEO and business partner of Betsey Johnson. We’re not sure what her father, Philip Bacon, does or did but her parents are obviously quite wealthy. We found evidence online that they own a pre-war four-floor townhouse in Manhattan’s trendy and uber-expensive Chelsea ‘hood. We’d guess that Miss Bacon could shut down the Moon Juice shops right now and continue to reside in luxury for as long as she so desired.

So maybe Miss Bacon isn’t selling her goop gunk for profit? Maybe she’s the real deal and really “on a mission”, to which she frequently alludes? Yolanda doubts that. Miss Bacon just wants more money so she can buy an even bigger house to hold barrels of her extracted bee pollen and fermented and alkalized albino alpaca tongues. We just contributed $20 to her campaign so we don’t feel bad for bashing our gurl.

Listen darlin’, we’re not trying to call you a con artist. We just wanna know if that $55.00 Brain Dust really works. We can’t take Gwyneth’s word for it, not since that ho let us down with that whole “conscious uncoupling” bullshiz. So if Yolanda ever sees you strollin’ down Melrose she just might run up and smack you upside the head with a sack of dead rabbits. Oh yes she would. Trust!

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