Since we’ve been on a bit of a random musician kick with our most recent posts, we figured why the heck not? It’s not a new story, but let Yolanda throw her useless opinion about Nicki Minaj‘s huge LA rental mansion into the ring.
It was the boys and girls over at TMZ who first noted that Ms. Minaj was leasing a bonafide mansion way up high in the mountains overlooking Beverly Hills, in an area that’s often referred to as Beverly Hills Post Office or Beverly Crest because although the houses are technically located within the city of Los Angeles, they still have the coveted 90210 zip code.
According to TMZ, Ms. Minaj had been looking to buy a house but instead ultimately opted to rent after her rapper boyfriend Meek Mill was placed under house arrest. Yolanda is not quite sure what Mr. Mill’s house arrest status has to do with Ms. Minaj leasing a big ol’ honker of a house versus buying one, but alrighty then.
Now, just to clarify, Ms. Minaj is a very rich lady. Her first two albums went to #1 in the US. Her biggest hit — the infamous “Anaconda” — went to #2 on the Hot 100. She’s sold millions of her own albums and singles and has been featured on countless hits from other artists. As anyone familiar with the music industry knows, songwriting is where the real money is — and Ms. Minaj writes or co-writes all her shit. So although we don’t have access to our gurl’s bank account, Yolanda is quite certain that Ms. Minaj is a millionaire many times over and could easily afford to buy her own Beverly Hills mansion.
Ms. Minaj’s rental pad — for which she reportedly forks out a mouth-drying $30,000 per month — lies in a small gated community called “Bowmont Estates”. As best as Yolanda can tell, there are only eight homes inside the gates — most of them large, imposing mansions. One of her new neighbors is billionaire Forever 21 founder Do Won Chang and his family. The house next door is owned by Beverly Hills wristwatch mogul John Simonian and the house on the other side of Ms. Minaj’s lair was owned by former “actress” Mischa Barton, who acquired it in 2005 (at the height of her fame) for $6,400,000.
Not that we like to kick a beotch while she’s down, but Ms. Barton faced foreclosure on her home several times in recent years. After many moons of attempting to sell the place, she finally unloaded it for $7,050,000 earlier this year to an investor.
But we digress. Property records show Ms. Minaj’s manor was last sold way back in September 2011 for $8,250,000 to something called “Bowmont Investments LLC”. Yolanda has heard many times over the years that the house is owned by Saudi royalty. But since the owners reportedly never moved in, we confess we aren’t entirely sure which Saudi royal in question holds the deed. So many of them have very similar names and all, you know.
However, records do show that the house is registered in the name of a Pasadena (CA) based CPA who for many years has been known as the go-to accountant for Al Saud royal family members looking to park their oil money in pricey U.S. real estate.
Now then, folks seemed to enjoy our tongue-in-cheek post about author E.L. James’s new Hollywood Hills mansion, so Yolanda will try the same thing but with lyrics from Ms. Minaj’s award-winning music. It’s Labor Day, y’all!
“This one is for my bitches with a fat ass in the fuckin’ club…”
Depending on where you look, the house either has 10,337 or 11,500 or “over 12,000” square feet of living space. We figure 10,337 is probably what it started out with and that it’s just grown a bit over the years. Kinda like Ms. Minaj’s (allegedly) expanding caboose, right?
Anyway, there’s lots of space for lots of bitches.
One thing all sides seem to agree about is that there are 9 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms and the mock-Med MacMansion was built on spec in 2008. Unfortunately for the developer, the house was completed just as the market was crashing and thus it took three years and numerous price chops before along came Mr. and/or Ms. Saudi Royal who took it off his hands for barely half of the original $15 million ask.
“Tell security to meet me round back, in the alleyway by the Maybach.”
The gated community has two entrances: one at the top of a narrow, winding lane off of Coldwater Canyon, and a second ’round back and located on legendary Mulholland Drive.
The house itself has yet another metal gate across the long driveway, and listing information makes a point to call out the Creston system that allows a resident to monitor the home’s “full security system” and “closed circuit camera equipment” all at the touch of a button.
Anyway, once through all the gates, a long drive slopes upward to a rather ungainly front entrance that’s pushed up right next to the five car garages. The double-door entryway is perfect for accommodating wide loads, be they real or synthetic.
“…Prada colored beige, it’s obvi we the ish and I’m rollin’ wit my Brits…“
Although we don’t know these mysterious British folk that Ms. Minaj rolls with, were they to visit her at home they’d find there’s quite a surplus of “Prada colored beige”. Acres and acres of it, in fact.
Once y’all have recovered from being blinded by the beige banality, take a gander outta those French doors in the living room and you’ll find that the mountain views of Franklin Canyon and the surrounding areas are actually quite picturesque.
Our mama Mrs. Yakketyyak told us never to say nothin’ if we don’t have nothin’ nice to say, so for once we’ll follow her advice. We’re not gonna even go there with that double-height foyer and staircase. But we will say that Ms. Minaj is surely familiar with Dolly Parton’s classic phrase “it costs a lotta money to look this cheap.” And we are quite certain it did.
“He toss my salad like his name Romaine…”
Yolanda applauds Ms. Minaj’s penchant for healthy living and there is certainly lots of counter space for all the salad-tossing her heart desires up in here. The Euro-influenced kitchen has sleek (if a bit industrial-looking) Arclinea cabinets and all the high-end appliances money can buy.
We realize the look may not be to everyone’s taste, but the kitchen is probably the most interesting part of this rather uninspired abode, truth be told.
“Man I just shitted on ’em, Shitted on ’em, Put yo’ number two’s in the air if you did it on ’em…”
Our stars! Yolanda has enlisted her very own Rabbi Hedda to pray that Ms. Minaj will not feel the need to take a poopoo on anyone in this house, although we rather doubt the rental contract explicitly prohibits this. Still, it sounds rather unsanitary! And waving excrement around in the air sounds doubly so.
While the house is big, there are no fewer than 8 bathrooms (as previously mentioned). We’re sure Ms. Minaj can find one in time. As for the master bath, it is startlingly-spare with a soaking tub and what appears to be a party-sized shower.
The floors switch to hardwood in the fireplace-equipped master bedroom. A gigantic walk-in closet looks nice but could use some sort of chilled wig storage for Ms. Minaj’s hairpieces.
We’re not sure if it’s just the staging or what, but Yolanda feels like this house is attempting to go for some kind of minimalist look. And that does not, and will never work on a mock-Med mansion, we think. But like we said, the view outside is pretty nice.
“Jump in my hoopty hoopty hoop, I own that. And I ain’t paying my rent this month, I owe that.”
We certainly hope that Ms. Minaj has already told Mr. and/or Mrs. Saudi Prince(ss) that she occasionally may not feel inclined to send her monthly lease payment. But surely they can come to some sort of agreement on a small late fee for any tardy checks, right?
The back of the house reminds us of a sweet Holiday Inn in Tucson, Arizona. (No offense to any Tucson-ers on here!) A broad, well-watered lawn leads to a big stone terrace with pool and spa.
Now please don’t take all this to mean Yolanda is some sort of Nicki Minaj hater or whatever you kids like to term it. Believe it or not, but we actually own Pink Friday, Ms. Minaj’s first album. Yes, kiddies. Little old Yolanda walked into the store and bought that shit. We find Ms. Minaj’s public persona to be quite entertaining.
What we don’t understand is how Ms. Minaj was able to lease from Saudi royals. Come on now — Saudis?! Ain’t these folks from the country that stones gays to death? The country where women can’t wear makeup or interact with men?! We’re a bit surprised they’d be down with someone like Ms. Minaj living in one of their homes!
But we suppose this is here, that is there, and money is always the ultimate arbitrator.