Joe (not Nick) Jonas is a Valley Boy

EDIT (3/30/16): We just got off the phone with someone who knows all about this sale. This mysterious someone swears up and down that the house was co-purchased by Nick and Joe Jonas. We initially heard it was just Nick. Given this new info, we’re not entirely sure who’s going to be living up in here. Nick? Joe? Both? Their parents? Hit your gurl up if you have insider deets. We’ll keep your name on the D.L. Promise!

EDIT AGAIN (4/1/16): We now see that the LA Times has fingered Joe as the buyer, not Nick. We’re guessing they probably got the listing agent to squeal. So we got it wrong, wrong, wrong on this one, kids. Our apologies. We’ll be better next time.

Everyone agrees that Los Angeles is a melting pot. A great big bubbling smog-choked pot filled with people of every race, culture, religion, creed you can imagine. So it’s not really surprising that, apart from the pot thingy, people in LA can never fully agree on anything. Remember this? What about this? Or how about this? You see?! Hoes always be quarreling about some ol’ bullshit.

But wait. There is something important everyone can agree on! We all love to hate on the Valley. We do. And even a lot of people who live there do it too! Yes, yes, we know there are lots of cool things to do (besides porn stars) in the San Fernando area. Lots of good places to eat, lots of good places to shop. We know, Valley peeps. We’re just playing. Don’t be sending Yolanda any crazy hate-mail.

We’re not sure when all the “armpit of LA” jokes started? Was it Clueless? Nah, we think it was sometime before, back in the ’80s sometime or maybe even before. But we’re far too lazy to research this.

Anyway, over the years, of course, the Valley has evolved. There’s tons of development out there. Downtown Encino, Sherman Oaks, and Woodland Hills have lots of big buildings. Luxury real estate (McMansions and the like) abounds. Sprawl-loving folks routinely shovel out $5 million or even more to live in Encino or Calabasas over Brentwood or Beverly Hills. But somehow, despite the affluence and revitalized economy, the stigma persists. The Valley clearly isn’t for many Westside snobs, though that’s probably the way residents out there prefer it.

Of course, lots of celebrities, very rich celebrities, also reside out there. These include all 3,782 Kardashian family members, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, Drake, the Jacksons, the Braxtons, Kaley Cuoco, Iggy Azalea, Selena Gomez, just about every former major league sports star that ever walked the earth, and a whole bunch of other people we can’t recall at the moment. But trust us, there’s plenty of famous people out there. And yes, most of them are musicians, retired sports stars, or Kardashians. So what?

As far as Yolanda knows, the most-expensive residential sale on record in the Valley is the ridiculous $19,750,000 that Kimmy Kardashian and Kanye West spilled out to acquire a big-ass Hidden Hills spec mega-mansion back in August 2014. (They later paid another $2,925,000 for a decrepit property next door because their egos needed more breathing room, natch!) There’s been several other $10 million+ home sales as well, most of them scattered around Hidden Hills or “The Oaks” area of Calabasas.

The newest Valley-dwelling celeb is Nick Jonas, who just last month covertly plopped down $3,700,000 for a brand-new spec-built compound in uber-suburban community of Sherman Oaks. It’s well-located south of Ventura Boulevard, conveniently close to downtown Sherman Oaks with its numerous retail amenities and also just a quick skip away from the always-congested 405/101 junction. Of course, it’s also close enough to Ho-wood without actually having to live in Ho-wood, where everyone and his mama is up in your business.

Frankly, y’all, Yolanda wouldn’t know a Nick Jonas song if it popped your gurl in the booty with a tire iron. But apparently lots of folks would, as enough of his CDs and iTunes cuts have been sold to afford him a $3.7 million house. And he’s also apparently branching out into acting. According to our trusty gal pal Wikipedia, he has a recurring role on the rather low-ratedScream Queens” horror-com TV show.

Also, we’re surprised Mr. Jonas even found time to go house-hunting because he’s got a frightfully busy schedule of touring, filming, and prowling around with a whole roster of them crazy Ho-wood tricks. That’s right, he’s reportedly gettin’ busy with cougar-ific Kate Hudson. So the stories go, he also may or may not be banging Morticia Addams’ reincarnated soul. Now there’s an odd couple if we’ve ever seen one.

Marketing materials describe the brand-new built as a “Modern Farm House”. This Farm House has got crisp white clapboard-sided exterior walls accented by the black trim surrounding the windows, doors, and forward-facing traditional two-car garage.

The house has light oak floors spread throughout the entirety of the interior living spaces. The eat-in kitchen has what appears to be particularly dark burl walnut cabinetry with and “book-ended Calcutta” marble slabs on the countertops. There’s also a sexy but prohibitively pricey Wolf sub-zero glass refrigerator plus a separate wine cooler and a bunch of other gee-golly-miss-molly high-end appliances.

The living room features a large fireplace, a bookcase, and some very staged-looking furniture. We like how it’s conveniently open to the kitchen and the backyard with through the massive foldaway doors. Oh, and there’s also a petite dining room overlooking the backyard off to the side of the kitchen.

Somewhere in the main house there’s a purple-hued media room. Somewhere else is an office that we somehow mistook for an at-home hair salon upon first look. Don’t ask us why. But yes, Yolanda is due for another Brazilian blowout. Our weave is lookin’ a tad ratty.  But don’t be rude. We’re going tomorrow, we promise. Gotta keep our man satisfied.

The master bedroom has an arched barn-like ceiling, a fireplace, a separate reading/sitting alcove. Nick, hunny, if you’re reading this, get that stupid new-age “slogan picture” crap off your wall. We can’t stand that ridic nonsense. Is that supposed to be cute? What does this one say? “Darling, I love you, I love you, I love you”? Ugh! Shut up, you crazy beotch. We don’t love you, whoever you are. We’d slap the shit out of you if we saw you painting that mess. Don’t try Yolanda while she’s off her meds and having a ratty weave day.

Sorry, everyone. Back to the house. The master bath has a big soaking tub as well as an enclosed step-in shower with a glass door and glass windows. Gives it kind of a train compartment look. We’re sure lots of fangurls would love to be flies on those particular windows when Mr. Jonas takes a shower. Ooh la la.

The lot isn’t very big – less than .25 of an acre – but it’s long, narrow, and flat. And it manages to pack in a rectangular dark-bottomed 40-foot pool plus a couple dog-run-sized patches of lawn and a sunning area.

There’s even a petite guest house that’s so small it really looks like more of a children’s playhouse than anything suitable for real adults, though it does have a smallish full bathroom with a shower. Total interior square footage for the family-sized estate is a sizable 5,300 with a total of 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. Seems like a lot for a young single guy in his early 20s. Are his bro’s gonna shack up here too, or is he planning to pop some babies with one of his gal pals? Anyone?

This is not the first house Mr. Jonas has owned in LA, of course. Back in November 2013, at the tender age of 21, he paid $3,200,000 for a Spanish-style itsy-bitsy compound in a prime area just above the Sunset Strip. He quickly tired of it – or something – and unloaded it in April 2015 for $3,400,000 to a not-famous fellow. For the past year or so, he’s been leasing Ellen DeGeneres’s house in the Ho-wood Hills (as Mr. Jonas himself confirmed). In case you were unaware, that particular house has a rather peculiar history.

The T-shaped ranch-style crib was done up really swanky-like by Marmol Radzinor for a previous owner who sold it to Ms. DeGeneres in 2005 for “about $6.5 million”. Ms. DeGeneres & Ms. Rossi, as they’re prone to do, quickly flipped the house (and the smaller one next door, which they also owned) for $10,000,000 to fellow lady-lovin’ lass Allison Milgard, a very rich heiress to a window manufacturing fortune. Some years later, apparently feeling nostalgic, Ms. DeGeneres & Ms. Rossi bought back the property (but not the one next door) for $8,750,000. Again, the gals didn’t stay there long before moving on to a secret new $16 million house in Beverly Hills and leasing this place, as previously mentioned, to Mr. Jonas. Now that he’s moved out (or about to move out) we wonder what DeGeneres/Rossi will do with the property. Flip it again? Lease it to another celeb? Keep it as a shrine to sapphic lovin’? Yolanda thinks we’ll all have to wait and see.



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