We’re not sure how this made headlines in between all the truly terrible happenings last week. But as you might have heard, pint-sized comedian/actor Kevin Hart’s house was burglarized. The thieves, apparently, made off with $500,000 in jewelry.
What a tragedy. Our hearts wail. For the insurer, that is. We couldn’t care less about Mr. Hart’s jewelry — somehow, we’re sure a guy reportedly worth $62 million will find a way to replace it.
For those of you who may not know who the Mr. Hart is, we’ll be gracious and give you a (very) brief bio. He’s a 5’4″ stand-up comedian turned increasingly-in-demand 5’4″ actor who has starred in a whole bunch of films Yolanda ain’t never seen. These include Think Like a Man, Get Hard, Paper Soldiers, and a whole bunch more.
Okay, fine. Yolanda saw Get Hard. We laughed out loud on several occasions. Yes, we admit it.
But anyway, a lot of folks were apparently surprised to find that Mr. Hart lives way the heck out in the San Fernando Valley community of Tarzana. Or at least one “folk” was surprised. A fella who we’ll call Thomas Thetankengine wrote in asking exactly where in Tarzana Mr. Hart actually resides.
Frankly, Mr. Thetankengine, Yolanda doesn’t give a hoot about Tarzana. We don’t mean to be rude or dismissive, in case there’s any Tarzana folks reading this, so don’t get your undies all unctuous and undulating. We know that Tarzana has lots of multi-million dollar homes, lots of celeb residents, lots of rich folks. We know.
All Yolanda is saying is that the area is not her particular cup of tea. In fact, we can’t think of a single “luxury” neighborhood in LA that’s less appealing to us than Tarzana. But really, who cares what an old slob like Yolanda thinks about anything, right? Right. We know you’re thinking “Shut the heck up and get to the house!!” Okay, okay. We can take a hint.
Yolanda just happens to know the house in which Mr. Hart, his fiancee Eniko Parrish, and his two kids from a previous marriage reside. The property is located in a 24/7 guard-gated community — perhaps a bit surprising when you consider the brazen burglary — but it does back up to a public sidewalk. So there’s that.
In April 2012, a non-celebrity couple sold the crib in question for $1,999,000 to a mysterious LLC. Yolanda did a little research on said LLC and we discovered — whoop-de-do! — it is very easily linked directly to our Mr. Hart.
Anyway, the residence — a rather disappointing big beige McMansion and a former model home — has 7 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms in 6,549 blah-style square feet in the “Mulholland Park” gated community. It was built in 2000 and definitely gives off a nostalgic 90’s vibe, for better or worse.
The completely symmetrical facade is festooned with two mature palm trees, some green grass, and a driveway that dead-ends right at the front door. Two double garages flank the entryway.
The pool is — in Yolanda’s humble opinion — rammed up a bit too close to the house’s rear, but we suppose the layout was made necessary by the steeply-sloped .41 acre parcel. At least there’s a place to cool off in from those scorching Valley summers.
Another damn bridal staircase? Pass. And carpet on the stairs? Beige carpet?! Oh Lord, have mercy. The kitchen has beige tile flooring (that runs through most of the house), beige painted walls, and beige-ish wooden cabinetry. There’s a double Sub-Zero fridge and other “quality appliances”, per the listing.
The listing says “Royal living room is accented w/cathedral ceilings, Crafted fireplace and French doors.”
Really, Mr. grandiose realtor man? Yolanda is not trying to be mean, but what exactly is a “Royal living room”?! Whatever it is, sir, we can personally assure you it is not the double-height Mickey-Mouse-lookin’ thing above. And just what the heck is a “Crafted fireplace”? Was the fireplace crafted, as opposed to spontaneously combusted? Or is Crafted a fireplace brand name? We may never know!
And good Lord, kids, how much beige can one poor house take?! Listen, Mr. Hart. We’re not hating, we swear. We know you’re rich as the damn Pope, so we honestly hope and pray you’ve completely redecorated this house since these pictures were shot in 2012. Think of the children! How can you expect your kids to grow up right with beige barfed all over every surface in their home?
Good thing our parents had some decorating sense. Look how perfect Yolanda turned out. But anyway, Mr. Hart, please hire some security guards or a laser grid to surround the airspace of your house. Those burglars might come back for more loot and we know you don’t want that.
And please, baby, move to a nicer crime-riddled gated community like Mulholland Estates or somethin’.