Chris Hemsworth drops the hammer in Malibu… again

Now y’all, don’t laugh, but Yolanda made a dreadful error in judgment over the weekend. We made such a silly, silly mistake. It’s even more hilarious because we’re not tourists or transplants who might be forgiven for such a faux pas. You see, we drove up to Malibu this weekend to spend a day tanning our tiny waist and grinding oru fake boobs into the sand. We typically don’t go up there much anymore – Yolanda likes to think she’s more sophisticated than silly little Malibu – but we thought what the heck. It’s just for a few hours, right?

Unfortunately, we thought we could swoop in to one of the trendy eateries in town around noonish and expect to find seating. Reservations, you say? What the hell are reservations? Yolanda’s always been able to utilize her abundant charms and assets to secure good seating. But this time the only thing on the menus your gurl was given was a big, fat slice of humble pie. We fear we might be losing our touch.

Yes, it’s true. We walked into Nobu and then Geoffrey’s without success. They were packed, and we were offered “bar seating” at both. Bar seating?! Oh hell to the naw. We’re afraid we even dropped a “Don’t you know who I am?!” at the clearly-ignorant waitress. The beotch wouldn’t budge!

So there we were, stuck with our (increasingly grumpy) man in an overly-expensive German automobile in the middle of traffic. Do you know what we did? Don’t laugh. We finally strolled into that grungy Pavilions in Point Dume and grabbed some of their to-go sushi! Supermarket sushi. Are we ghetto? Don’t answer that.

But you know what? It was actually good! And fresh! We were shocked. Apparently Pavilions sushi is not created equal at every store. The one in Malibu has the best we’ve ever had, waaaay better than the one on Santa Monica. It’s not Nobu or Sushi Gen by any means, but it’s still damn good.

So the moral of this story is go to the Point Dume Pavilions and leave that overpriced restaurant crap to Yolanda and the Malibu dogs (Sorry, Pam).

And we almost forgot to mention – the best part of our Saturday is  that we ran into Miss Jenner If Ya Nasty. That’s right. Our gurl Caitlyn! At least we think it was her. We hope it was her. We saw a big-boobed lass in a new Aventador with her (convertible!) top off and could’ve sworn it was her. We wanted to wave but didn’t want to risk distracting our gurl. Tee hee.

Oh dear. We’re already digressing yet again, aren’t we? Let’s get right back to basics. Your boy Chris Hemsworth has a new, new, new house in Malibu. And it’s walking distance to the Pavilions, so maybe if he reads this, he’ll take us up on our advice, right?

If you think you’ve seen Mr. Hemsworth’s name in the property gossip columns lately, you’re right. It was only a few weeks ago that he put his big ol’ Victorian-ish mansion in the celebrity-packed neighborhood on the market for a hefty $6,500,000 – substantially more than the $4,800,000 he paid for the thing back in 2012 (he bought it from fellow Aussie Paul Hogan, FYI.)

At the time that he put the estate on the market, most of the reports mentioned that he’d moved back to his native country, where he shelled out for a house in Brisbane Bay. We think those are true; however, it seems Mr. Hemsworth still desires to keep a toe in the LA real estate market.

Mr. Hemsworth’s Point Dume estate is currently in escrow with an unknown buyer, but Yolanda just happens to know that he’s already pounded down $3,450,000 for a new residence that’s less than 5 minutes by car from his current home.

The “architectural” structure was built in 1979 and encompasses 4,612 square feet of living space with 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths.

Access to the front door from the driveway requires a gentle climb down a weaving row of fairly-treacherous-looking stairs and past a bubbling water feature.

After entering through the massive wooden front door (it’s only slightly smaller than Thor’s hammer itself), the house provides a dramatic look over the fully-landscaped backyard as you step-down into the vestibule and open-concept kitchen/dining area.

The kitchen has all the high-end appliances money can buy, including a stainless Viking range that looks like it costs more than the average new Corolla, and one of those trendy-but-prohibitively-pricey glass-fronted SubZero reefers that definitely costs more than said Corolla. Cabinets are tastefully elegant and a mixture of white-painted and honey-brown wood. The huge center island has a rather unusual emerald quartz countertop, bar seating, and a woefully small and off-center sink that causes Yolanda’s OCD to just about pop a gasket.

The eating spaces flow seamlessly outdoors, thanks to one of those trendy disappearing Pella glass walls that provide access to the terrace with its outdoor dining room and barbecue.

The indoor dining area features a marble-slathered fireplace that appears to be one of those fake non-wood-burning ones. There’s also a 750-bottle wine cellar somewhere in the house.

The master bedroom has lustrous milk chocolate-toned ceilings, a delicately-slender bookcase, and (refreshingly) no big-arsed TV to be seen. The master bath has marble flooring, trough-like sinks, a rather dated looking bathtub, and a glass shower.

The library is perhaps the best room in the house, with views out over the gorgeous landscaping and room to curl up quietly for hours.

One of the unfortunate things Yolanda noticed about the four bedrooms is that none of them sport a view and most of their windows are so tiny it might feel more like sleeping in the Lexus of prison cells. Seems rather like poor architectural planning to Yolanda. But then again, it might be a good thing for celebrities like Mr. Hemsworth and his fam.

To the side of the property there’s a windowless and featureless three-car garage that also packs in an extra room for storage space.

The backyard is really the best part of the property, in Yolanda’s opinion. The house itself it okay. It has potential. But right now there’s just too many small windows and and too many dated materials to interest Yolanda.

But we do love the yard, with its acres of rolling grounds packed with lavender and mostly-native plants. There’s a huge rear terrace with an outdoor dining set and a massive couch and firepit for enjoying some late-night hookah sessions. We’d love it if Mr. Hemsworth would take down the metal framing that distracts from the beauty of the Santa Monica mountains.

Property records show that the seller of the property was a lady named Tricia Small, who the internets varyingly describe as either an actress or producer. She’s also a co-founder or an early investor – again, depending on where you look – of the hugely-lucrative Beachbody LLC health crazed company.

Mrs. Small acquired the house back in 2006 for $3,695,000, which unfortunately means our gurl lost at least $245,000 on the property when she sold to Mr. Hemsworth, not counting real estate fees, taxes and any other renovation costs.

Looky-loos who think it might be cute to do a roll-by in their 2008 Kia to try to catch a glimpse of a shirtless Mr. Hemsworth workin’ in the yard will be stymied, as this property sits in a gated community just across PCH from Point Dume. Plus, the house is on a flag lot which means its say way back from the road so you ain’t gonna be able to see anything. Just don’t even bother.

Unlike his soon-to-be-former Point Dume home, Mr. Hemsworth’s doesn’t have many celebrity neighbors in this particular, rather unglamorous gated enclave. In fact, it wasn’t immediately apparent that a single one of the other couple-dozen homes there is owned by another celeb, though we’re sure there’s one or two lurking out there.

Of course, Chris is not the only Hemsworth homeowner in Malibu. His younger brother Liam owns a far-more-expensive ranch-style abode in another (more celebrity-packed) gated community about five minutes away. The younger Hemsworth paid musician Matthew Wilder $6,851,500 for the house in 2014. A couple months ago, Mr. Hemsworth’s on-again fiancée – Tinseltown bad gurl Miley Cyrus – paid about $2.5 million for a smaller house directly adjacent to his larger property.

Seriously, Mr. Hemsworth, what are you thinkin’ to be getting back with that trick? She’s fine for bangin’ but marrying? We’d say you can’t turn a ho into a housewife, but it actually worked for Yolanda, so there’s that. Maybe it’ll work for Miss Cyrus, too. Ha.


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