Last night, as your gurl Yolanda was idly trolling through the interwebs, we stumbled across a rather tawdry story with a blazing long-ass headline entitled “Bella Thorne Slams Chloe Moretz in Support of Kim Kardashian“. Oh good grief. First of all, if we have to read one more thing about Kimmy K and her seemingly endlessly money-minting and publicity-generating Brobdingnagian buttcheeks, your gurl is just going to lose it. (Oh Lawd Jesus, would you please get that trollop’s ol’ stinker outta our faces?)
We were also left scratching our heads because we’ve never heard of this Bella Thorne creature. A cursory search using our trusty old pal Google reveals she’s some sort of – ahem – “actress” who’s starred in things we ain’t never seen and ain’t never gonna watch. And to Yolanda’s eyes, she looks far too much like a broke-down, poor man’s Jessica Chastain. Ouch. Was that rude to say?
We quickly lost any and all interest in Miss Thorne. Is that harsh? We’re sorry. It’s just personal preference. We just don’t care about that chick. And she will remain a stranger beotch in Yolanda’s eyes.
Yolanda also wondered who the heck this Chloe Moretz chick is. Sorry, kids. If you hadn’t already realized, Yolanda’s a bit too old to be up on what all these tween stars are doing. Turns out, though less than a year older than Miss Thorne, she’s starred in a few things we actually have heard of (Kick-Ass, The Equalizer), and generally seems to be more successful than the Thorne gal. Apparently the whole silly story with Kim K was that Miss Moretz had criticized one of the big-assed K’s nude selfies. Miss Thorne apparently took umbrage with that “slut-shaming” and just had to get her two cents out there for all the tabloids. Honest anger or just professional jealousy on the redhead’s part? You decide.
Anyway, Yolanda finds Miss Moretz much more likable and interesting than that other one so we called up our street homegurl Wanda to see if she knew anything about Miss Moretz’s real estate situation. Yeah, that’s just the way Yolanda rolls. If homegurl finds you interesting, she’s gonna want to know how you live.
Lo and behold, according to Wanda, Miss Moretz recently and very quietly bought a big multi-million dollar house in the celebrity-stocked Studio City area. Yolanda did a cursory check of the property records and indeed, the property was sold last month for a very grown-up $3,400,000 to a mysterious trust whose trustee just happens to be Miss Moretz’s oldest brother. As far as we know, this is Miss Moretz’s first home purchase in LA or anywhere else. (But what do we really know, anyway?)
The house in question, which stand two stories in the front but drops down mullet-style to three stories out back, sits just off always-busy Laurel Canyon in the hills above downtown Studio City. Though the residence is positioned rather hard-up on the street, it’s walled and gated celeb-style for max privacy.
Listing information refers to the 1998 house as a “Spanish Estate” but to Yolanda’s eyes it looks more like one of those rather luxurious but hopelessly generic Mock-Med McMansions that are all too common in LA.
The house opens up into a commodious double-height den with a massive fireplace, pastel-ish yellow walls, and knotty wood floors. The same color scheme continues into the living room, which has double doors that spill out onto the back patio area.
The colors remain yellow and beige in the rather dated-looking kitchen, which is equipped with high-grade stainless appliances and a commodious center island. Around the corner there’s a proper dining room with adorned with rather-uninspiring forest green walls. Yolanda is just not feeling the colors up in this place – we hope Miss Moretz will swiftly give it a remodel. Please, gurl.
The master suite takes up most of the second story with its bedroom and separate sitting room. The whole place feels sooo ’90s with its wall-to-wall grey carpeting and very, very beige bathroom.
In addition to the huge master suite, the house packs in four more bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms (plus one 3/4 bath and one half bath) into a roomy 5,592 square feet. That may seem like a whole lot of space for a young single teenager, but we’ve heard that most – if not all – of Miss Moretz’s rather large family (she has four older brothers) rooms with her so we imagine she’ll get good use out of all that space.
There’s also a rather cramped-looking gym somewhere upstairs. Out back, the house includes a free-form dark-bottomed pool and attached spa completely surrounded by a rather ugly but spacious flagstone patio. The house’s three-story rear view, which looks to Yolanda rather like a mid-priced apartment building in North Hollywood, is perhaps not its best angle. Maybe the house is better suited for Kimmy K? Just kidding!
Up a flight of stairs from the pool is an outdoor lounge area with relaxing, over-the-treetops views of the San Fernando Valley. Around another corner there’s also a party-friendly outdoor barbecue grill and a massive outdoor fireplace.
Looky-loos hoping to catch a glimpse of Miss Moretz backin’ her Benz outta the driveway or haulin’ out the trashcans will be disappointed, as this property sits in a small and secure gated community shared with just seven other homes. Incidentally, three of Miss Moretz’s new neighbors appear to be famous – or at least involved in the entertainment industry. The first house inside the gate is owned by film producer Tove Christensen. The house directly across the street from Miss Moretz’s was recently purchased by celebrity chef Alex Hitz, and the big ol’ rather-gloomy-looking mansion next door to Miss Moretz is owned by German film producer Michael Ohoven and his Puerto Rican actress wife Joyce Giraud, who starred for one season on that horrific but addictive hot mess of a show known as the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
So, Miss Moretz, don’t let that big-bootied one get you down. For goodness’ sake, you just turned 19 and you’ve already got a $3.4 million house. You’re doing just dandy as far as Yolanda is concerned. Pick the right roles and you’ll be chasing Hollywood royalty in no time. But just make sure you get this place a damn good decorator so it looks like less of a 50-something rich divorcée’s house. We got real faith in you.