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Say what you want about Paris Hilton’s collaboration with several hit-making DJs from around the world, but this girl isn’t actually creating a house album. I’m sorry, but she’s not.
What do I mean by this? Look, it’s pretty simple. I have all the good stuff at my house; Abelton, Protools, Logic, Omnisphere… everything in the world you could possibly need to create an awesome house album. And I’m here to tell you that there is no way in hell that Paris Hilton learned how to work them.
I’m not saying she’s an idiot (am I?). I’m merely saying that these programs have more buttons, nobs, graph-looking things, plug-ins, and cables then you could possibly imagine.
And unless Paris A) sat with a producer for literally six months and learned how to work everything and memorized it (which she didn’t because what producer has time to teach someone EVERYTHING about producing) or B) sat herself down and did the tutorials (which she definitely did NOT do and would never be able to retain the information even if she had), then I think it’s safe to say that Paris didn’t “make a house album.”
I think it’s more of Option A; she’s Paris Hilton, so some really great producers made songs for her thing. And I’m sure she was there for the creative bit, saying things like, “I like that sound! More clinks!” in her weird baby voice, but I think that’s where her producing skills stopped.
Therefore to me, Paris Hilton doing a house album is physically impossible. If she would like to sit down and make a YouTube video of herself making a sick beat, then I beg her to do so so that I can calmly and quietly put my tail between my legs and retract this article.
But until I see it, I ain’t believin’ it.
DIRTRIBUTOR: Sam
Anytime there’s a celebrity wardrobe malfunction, we practically get carpel tunnel Googling the shiz out of that person. Photogs get major $$$ for getting the big shot and gossip sites get major traffic from all the people hoping to get a closer look at famous people’s privates. But not all outfit slips are new and exciting anymore. There are definitely celebrity wardrobe malfunctions that need to retire. Your crotch is old news, Paris Hilton.
Yeah, YOU. Learn to keep your knees together when you’re getting out of a car, for crying out loud. We don’t need to know if you’re wearing a thong, boy shorts, or if you’re freeballing. Not to mention that it’s horrrrribly unladylike. Save it for the bedroom. And nix the camcorder. Don’t need any One Night in Paris sequels.
And Lindsay Lohan. Oh, Lindsay Lohan. We’ve seen her…everything! That girl’s boobs fall out of her top so often that it’s when she’s fully clothed that we go, “Wait…HUH???” We’ve seen every inch of her from every angle and although she has a fantastic figure, I think it’s time for her to put on jeans and a turtleneck and never take them off.
Mischa Barton fell off the radar a bit but she’s another repeat offender. Mischa doesn’t seem to be a fan of properly fitting tops. One wrong move—bending over, moving too far to one side, or being caught off guard by a strong gust of wind—and she’s screwed. Haven’t seen Barton’s boobs recently? Just hit up Google. The photos are abundant. Problem solved.
How can we help but notice when a couple is doing major PDAs while spending NY Eve together? When it’s a romantic twosome that seems to be made for each other we start the countdown to see if he’ll propose. Sometimes the couple move in together and wait a year or two, sometimes they live together for several years, but regardless the signs are either there or not there.
Lately we’ve been noticing Paris Hilton and the celebrity DJ Afrojack (real name: Nick van de Wall). Here are some signs that Paris, 30, and Afrojack, 24, could be ready to make a big announcement soon:
We’re going out on the Dirt-limb here and asking will Paris Hilton get engaged to Afrojack soon, cause the signs are there. She’s got the money, he’s got the honey, and frankly, Paris has been around the block a few too many times already and she’ll enter the Cameron Diaz hall of shame in a few years with a pit stop at the Kate Hudson diner and car wash if she’s not careful.
Enough man-shopping already, Paris, just close the deal. We can’t wait to see the little “Paris-Afros” you produce even if they’ll be mistaken for a new hair style. May we start calling you “Mrs. Afrojack” now or are we jumping the gun? Sincerely hoping for a wedding invitation, Team Dirt.
DIRTRIBUTOR: Stephanie Sharf
