1

Dirt.com Believes Mariah Carey Hired A Body Double For Her New Jenny Weight Loss Commercial.

November 17, 2011
Filed In Other Irresistible Dirt

Mariah Carey

What the F is Mariah Carey doing in her new commercial for Jenny Craig? Is she breaking out of a cocoon? Is she giving herself the birth she wished she had? Emerging from the womb fresh and new, covered in glitter and wearing stilettos…bizarre doesn’t even begin to describe it. And I’d LOVE to find the body double who, no doubt, signed an airtight NDA so that Mimi can pretend those are her abs. After twins and being the overindulgent diva we know you are, we will NEVER believe those are your abs. Because guess what, the girl in the commercial is a 4. And what is this 4/6 bullsh-t? Either you’re a four or you’re a six. When you go shopping there is no size 4/6. ScarJo is a 4.HalleBerryis a 6. I know because when I was stuck working in retail hell, she came in to exchange her 4s for 6s. Refreshing. Real.

Mimi, on the other hand…

This week has been a whirlwind of publicity for Mimi. First The Rosie Show, where she went on forever about how awful pregnancy was, how she couldn’t look at herself. How she felt so rancid (her word) that she would cover herself with a towel in the bathtub. Like she’s the first woman to ever be pregnant. Like no one has ever been pregnant the way SHE was pregnant. After chumming it up with Rosie, she hit the PR circuit for the official Jenny launch for Unzip X – what that actually means, I have no F-ing idea. But bigger question, what are you WEARING, Mimi? And where are your people?

She stepped out in a god awful red dress and hooker heels that scream late 1990s. You know how sometimes people get stuck in the era when they think they looked best? Well Mariah is stuck in her Derek Jeter days. Back when she was trying to be a movie star and cross over into the hip hop scene after leaving her tight-fisted first husband Tommy Motola. We know you’re crazy, Mimi. Some of us are old enough to remember your meltdown on TRL with Carson Daley But it’s okay. Because you’ve lost 70 pounds. Because you’re now a 4/6. In actuality, you’re probably closer to an 8, which inHollywoodis considered borderline obese, but it doesn’t matter. You’ve Mariah F-ing Carey! Be proud of what you’ve accomplished instead pretending it’s something else.

In the meantime, any thoughts on who Jenny/Weight Watchers will hit up next? My money is on Jessica Simpson.

DIRTRIBUTOR: Maggie Rose

Tags , , ,
Comments: #1
0

Top 3 Divas That Need To Put A Cork In It: Nicki Minaj, Mariah Carey, & Naomi Campbell

November 11, 2011
Filed In Original Dirt From Our Contibutors

Scary things happen when you have too much money and too much power.  You forget your place and start treating the peons that work for you like, well, peons.  Stars sometimes forget about all the little people busting their asses to make their careers possible and flip out in a rage of D-I-V-A.  Here are three celebs that might need to chill out a bit.

(1)    Naomi Campbell: Unless throwing cell phones at people’s heads somehow becomes an Olympic sport, Campbell will probably want to avoid ever doing that again.  She’s been on pretty good behavior recently and has been surprisingly open with her struggle with her anger problems.  We’re proud of her for behaving and pray to the Lord Zeus that we don’t have repeats of, “BITCH GET OUTTA MY WAY, BITCH!!!!!”  *chucks phone*

(2)    Mariah Carey:  Mimi seems like a total sweetheart and we’re fully digging her new mommy status.  She and Nick look like they’re happy and the baybays are adorable.  One thing, though: We’ve heard more than once that whenever she’s performing, she makes outrageous demands for the things that MUST be in her dressing room.  All red M&Ms, apple juice at room temperature, four white bunnies with pink tails, the toenail clippings of a Buddhist monk, I don’t freaking know.  High maintenance?  Psh.  Nawwwwww.

(3)    Nicki Minaj: Nicki is a newly-labeled diva.  First she supposedly freaked out on her maid—FORMER maid—and now celebrity facialist Dawn DaLuise has come forward claiming that Nicki is a major biyatch.  Per Perez Hilton: “After I waxed her eyebrows and lip, she started screaming, ‘Who the eff do you think you are?  Look what you did to my damn face!  You think this shiz is worth $170?’  It’s a shame when you see a darling girl turn into a temperamental diva.  I arrived at her condo one afternoon.  Her eyes were dilated, her wig was falling off, her have was covered in red sores, and she was perspiring heavily.  She was swearing and screaming at her assistant.”  Um, YIKES?  We hope this is a lie but if it isn’t…chill out, woman!

 

Tags , , ,
Comments: #0
0

Top 6 Most Annoying Hollywood Romances, Part 2: Nick Cannon, You’re Cooked.

October 23, 2011
Filed In Original Dirt From Our Contibutors

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

(1)    Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon: Their babies are adorable and we’re a fan of both, but Nick made one enormous boo-boo: He got Mariah’s name tattooed across the top of his back.  And it’s not a little tattoo you can’t see until you’re up close.  You can spot this monstrosity from outer space.  Hope you’re in love with the ink as much as you are Mariah, Nick!

(2)    Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick: Someone take a sledgehammer to this guy.  Seriously.  Just run up, bash him over the head, and take off.  I have NO clue what Kourt sees in this leeching shmuck but she is wayyyy too good for him.  It’s cool that you want to keep the fam together, girl, but make sure YOU’RE happy too.

(3)    Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: For starters, no one can ignore the fact that they’re two of the ugliest people in the world.  Combine that with the millions of dollars they’ve donated to various charities, the war-torn countries they’ve visited, and the orphans they’ve adopted and saved from a life of poverty, and you’ve got the grossest couple in Hollywood.  GET A LIFE, BRANGELINA.  Jk!  If there were ever anything irritating about these two, it’d be how perfect they are. <3

Tags , , ,
Comments: #0
0

3 Reasons Mariah Carey Was A Weirdo On The Home Shopping Network

July 27, 2011
Filed In Music

So I just got done defending the crap out of Mariah Carey and then she goes and acts like a total buffoon.  She made an appearance on the Home Shopping Network this weekend, presumably because she has nothing better to do, and made a complete ass of herself.

She barely pimped the products she was supposed to be selling, would NOT shut the eff up about her pregnancy and how hard it was carrying twins, and went all diva and kept telling them to get the camera off her and referenced some sort of “issue” that they had the last time she was there.

There are only a handful of possible explanations for Mariah’s bizarre behavior.

(1)    Hormones: If you carried two human beings in your body for nine months, your hormones would probably still be out of whack too.  Now she’s probably in that post-partum depression stage where she hates her body, thinks she has a huge ass, constantly wants a Snickers bar, and is always yelling at her husband.  “YOU DID THIS TO ME!  I HATE YOU!!!!”

(2)    She was always crazy: We’ve heard MANY stories of Mariah’s diva-ness.  She always makes outrageous demands, her house is a freaking palace, and she expects only the best in food, clothes, jewelry, etc.  I’d love to poop on the face of anyone who’s that high-maintenance, including her.  Maybe the Home Shopping Network won’t cater to her like everyone else will.

(3)    Exhaustion: Maybe the twins are running her ragged, but this is assuming that she hasn’t hired 12 nannies to take care of them all day.  Babies cry, shiz all over the place, spit up, throw up, and she’s got TWO of them.  That can’t be easy.  I’d lose my mind too.

Whatever the reason, Mariah needs to stop acting like such a stoner.  People won’t let her get away with that for long.

Tags , , ,
Comments: #0
0

4 Reasons It’s Good For Nick Cannon And Mariah Carey Not To Have More Children

July 17, 2011
Filed In Original Dirt From Our Contibutors

God, we went through this pregnancy once before, and now they’re talking about doing it again?  Who are the real ones suffering here?  Us.  You two think about that.

Nick Cannon said in a recent interview that it looks like they’re done having babies.  Oh thank God.

“I want some, but I think my wife’s done.  I tried to say, ‘Yo, let’s go for another round!’  And she’s like, ‘I’ll kill you!’”

Well if you were MY husband and caught my attention with “Yo,” I’d probably try to kill you too.  In the meantime, here are four reasons why babies are a no-no.

(1)    They got two for the price of one.  Having twins means giving birth twice in one sitting, so that’s the biggest reason to cool it for now.  Harvesting one human being inside your body and then extracting it nine months later is daunting enough, and Mimi had the balls to do it twice in one day.  I would need to be strapped to a table and knocked unconscious.  I give the girl major props.

(2)    It’s totally inconsiderate to asking Mariah to get that fat again.  She pulled it off beautifully the first time, but no one can get that lucky twice.  As is, her boobies will probably hang down to the ground and her stomach will drape over her vagina like a curtain.  A skin curtain.  Not a hot look.  Don’t make her get lipo and a tummy tuck twice, dude.  Besides, you can guess that that’d be coming out of Nick’s pocket, and since he’s been so busy working at ______________, I’m going to say he doesn’t have the coin for that kind of surgery.

(3)    The world is overpopulated.  If you absolutely insist on bringing another child into your home, go pick one up from a war-torn third world country like Angelina Jolie and Brad ArmPitt do.  Besides, Mimi has always been a diva.  Go big or go home.  Her home, her career, her tits—everything she does is huuuuuuuge.  Why not adopt a soccer team-sized family like Hollywood’s biggest power couple?

(4)    Let’s not forget the one key fact: More biological babies requires her to have sex with Nick Cannon again.  No.  Just……..no.

Tags , ,
Comments: #0
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »
Some Dirt Text