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It’s All Fun And Games Until Lindsey Lohan Starts Launching Glasses.

September 18, 2011
Filed In Must Read

Being Lindsay Lohan must be tough.  I don’t care what you think.  It must be a tough life.  She is an actress, designer, musician, director, writer, producer and “artist of many things.”

Fitting all these things in while at the very same time always being in court or out on the piss or walking about with coke-filled shoes must be an incredible strain on her.

So, let’s see what she has been up to this week.  A week in the life of an actress/designer/musician/director/writer/0roducer/”artist of many things”…

Her Twitter page has been incredibly quiet over the last week, since she told “haters” that she loved them for ripping it out of her little sister.  Which is a strange stance to take.

She has been partying, I guess. It is a safe bet to imagine that.  After all, she is known for partying and being a mad eff more than she is for acting.  Which is fine. Just don’t write on your Twitter bio that you are all of the above when you are, in fact, none of the above.  Just write, “Where’s the party?” or something.

According to New York Magazine, Lindsey threw a glass at a waitress, then chips (or french fries, whatever), but she was aiming at some guy who may or may not have wronged Queen Lohan, which must justify – in her world – throwing glass at people.  Being from a small seaside town in Scotland, I am not down with the goings-on in LA, but from this angle, it would appear that LA is one big party and Lindsey Lohan is the annoying drunk who is on a whole other level, but people are too scared to say anything to her in case, you know, she starts throwing glass or something.

If you read other sites or publications, they make out that Lohan blew it.  But I’m not convinced that she had anything to blow. (You know what I mean).  Her career as a child star ended around the same time as her childhood, strangely enough, and it is just the cult of celebrity and the strange desire of the public to watch someone fail that keeps the corpse of her career twitching.  But it’s dead.  Time to get a real job.

She had a good run.  Made some movies.  Maybe if her parents weren’t such a joke she may still be acting, or at least not spunked all her money.  But maybe their pushy attitude is what made her.  No one knows, no one cares.  Anyway, I liked Mean Girls.  It is the story of a plain girl who wants desperately to fit in with the cool crowd.  Art (in the loosest possible sense) imitating life.

DIRTRIBUTOR: Henry Hunter

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What Will Kate Gosselin Do Next? A Few Suggestions For Kate’s New Career

September 8, 2011
Filed In Must Read

Kate Gosselin

TLC has finally—FINALLY—cancelled Kate Plus 8.  Are we glad to see Kate Gosselin get the shaft?  Naturally.  One of the unintended side effects (or intended, I hope) is that she is soon to be unemployed and is “freaking out” about it.  So what’s in store for Hollywood’s original Octomom?

Let’s examine her qualifications.  She is an ex-nurse, a mother of eight who is capable of wrangling a brood of children, and, by far her biggest qualification, is her bitchiness.  Sure, ex-hubby Jon may have been a bit of a priss, but who can deny that Kate isn’t the kind of woman who makes men’s balls shrivel up into their colon?

So, based on the above qualifications, I have a few suggestions which will help her vapid existence contribute to society in a much more meaningful way:

  • Nurse.  Sexy Nurse.  I know Kate claims she will go back to being a nurse if she has to, but everybody knows she’s hiding a little hottie body under those mom jeans, so I think it would be a better use of her God-given talents if she donned a sexy nurse outfit and did porn.  (Knock her career up a notch, what do you say?)
  • Lindsey Lohan.  The world of celebrity gossip can always use another punching bag.  Who will take Lindsey Lohan’s place when she goes to prison?  Kate Gosselin, that’s who!
  • Super Nanny.  She-devil + great with kids = Kate Gosselin.  Need I say more?
  • Catholic School Nun.  Remember those nuns in Catholic school who used to whip you with a rod and throw erasers in violent fits of anger?  Start saying your Hail Marys.
  • Department of Transportation Chick Who Directs Construction Traffic Scrapes Roadkill Off the Highway for a Living.  It’s about time Kate gave something back to society—and I don’t mean by having more kids.
  • Jerry Springer Guest.  Put her on the show with Sarah Michelle Gellar and Snooki under the title: “Self-Involved Attention-Lusting Divas”.
  • Octomoms.  Since Kate wants to be on TV reeeeallly frikkin’ bad, I say let’s pair her with the real Octomom (remember her?  sooo passé, I know—but relevant!) to start a new show called Octomoms.  Smash the 16 kids together, force the octomoms to raise them in tandem while living inside a four-bedroom house, and watch the magic sparks fly.  Chaos, hilarity ensue, etc.

DIRTIBUTOR: eDirt

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The Really Odd Couple: Will.I.Am. And Cheryl Cole

August 29, 2011
Filed In Must Read

Cheryl Cole

The news that Will.He.Is has moved in with the object of his infatuation, unemployed chav Cheryl Cole, has made me wonder: Just who or what would I rather live with instead of both these creatures?

The anti-wanking, auto-tuned singer and totally shiz actor Will.He.Is probably wouldn’t be on my radar if not for that sex interview, his friendship with Ol Hook Nose Cheryl, and his laughable impression of an actor in that Wolverine movie.  But it’s a good thing he is on my radar, because he is super easy to make fun of.  Have you heard his music?  Super easy.

As for Cheryl?  Well, I like to think I have made my position clear on that one.

The most surprising thing in this story isn’t that they moved in together, but that he is managing her.  I don’t want to give anyone any ideas, but I sense a reality TV show.  That’s what I’d do if I was a TV executive, you know, right before I killed myself for being a TV executive.

Here are a few people or creatures I’d choose to live with over either of these two, courtesy of the list of people I follow on Twitter.

1. Joan Collins. She has been everywhere this week, mainly in right wing tabloid The Daily Mail talking about how she would solve the problems in theUK.  Which she wrote while in San Tropez.

2. Lindsey Lohan. Out of pure morbid curiosity, I want to know if she is as mental as we all presume she is.  Not to blow smoke from my own trumpet, but I have this ability to really get under peoples’ skin.  I think I could make the Lohan saga much, much funnier.

3. Any of the cast ofJerseyShore, but not all at the same time.  They are all gullible. Imagine what you could get them to believe.  It would be priceless.

4. A really vicious animal.  I would rather be put in direct physical harm than live with either of these two weirdos.

5. Myself.  If I was given the choice of perpetual loneliness or an eternity of living withWill.He.Is and Cheryl Cole, I would take loneliness every time.  At least the conversation would be more interesting.

DIRTRIBUTOR: Henry Hunter

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Li Lo Is Still A Hi Ho.

August 12, 2011
Filed In Original Dirt From Our Contibutors

Lindsay Lohan

Listen up, haters.  Just because Lindsay Lohan is seen exchanging money for a bag of white powder and crystals from a black guy, it doesn’t mean she is back on drugs.  You guys are just ignorant.  There is a simple explanation as always.

According to LiLo, the bag she bought off the guy who looks like a hipster Tupac in full view of everyone on Venice Beach wasn’t full of drugs – despite your take on it – the bag was full of sea jasper and meteorites.  So how do you feel about your righteousness now?  Small I bet.

With all the negative press poor old Lindsey Lohan gets on a daily basis from liars and jealous types in media, this is just another misunderstanding, like the theft allegations, or her residency in the LA courthouse, her sex life, the car accidents, the now famous theft of her underwear and the subsequent tied in loss of her dignity.  She has been through the wringer, while we all sit in our towers judging her…

We should just leave Lindsey Lohan alone with her Sea Jasper and meteorite collection.  She has been through enough.

DIRTRIBUTOR: Henry Hunter

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Kim Kardashian; Reality TV Star And The Woman Who Invented Brown Hair

July 22, 2011
Filed In Original Dirt From Our Contibutors

Before we begin it is important to point out that Kim Kardashian isn’t suing Old Navy because the star of their new ad campaign is dating her Ex Boyfriend.  That would just be silly.  This is purely coincidental.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly suing Old Navy because Melissa Molinaro, the star of their new ad campaign, looks too much like her, in that she has brown hair, and everyone knows that brown hair is Kim’s thing.

So any aspiring brown haired models should beware, don’t dare become successful or Kim Kardashian, her ego and her high priced lawyers will come after you.

In a statement by Gary Hecker, the attorney for the Kardashian family, reasons for the suit include violation of intellectual property rights…  While there are no details to the amount of damages being sought, it is made perfectly clear that this is not just the Demented Demands of a Diva…  For all intents and purposes Kim Kardashian genuinely believes that she is being ripped off by this Molinaro person and Old Navy.  But it’s not because Melissa Molinaro is dating Reggie Bush, I already told you that thought didn’t even cross Kim’s mind.

Even if Old Navy put a casting call out with the intention of finding someone who looks like Kim Kardashian, there is no court outside of Calabasas that would find in Kim’s favour.  It is utterly ridiculous.  Sadly, LA courts do have a bit of a reputation for pandering to celebrities; Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and all the rest can attest.

However, if Kim wins, I will maybe finally be able to sue Calvin Klein for all the billboard ads over the years that show guys with killer abs. Being a guy with totally ripped, killer abs, I feel like I am owed some kind of compensation from this; they have blatantly been trading off my intellectual property for years.  Now that I think of it, I completely agree with Kim on this one. In casting a girl with brown hair, they have made it obvious that they are trading off Kim’s fame. Seeing as Kim Kardashian practically made being brunette and female popular, I think Old Navy should get their cheque book out.

DIRTRIBUTOR: Henry Hunter

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